March 20, 2014 by Courtney
I woke up this morning after having a panic attack in a dream (and not sleeping much). I felt physically like I had just had one in real life. I guess they’re all the same… whether in a dream or real life.
It’s been a hard road… a real rough journey. Some days I feel okay, but the anxiety never really leaves me. And the feeling that it’s something that I need to do or am doing never leaves me either. I also feel like I am constantly affecting my family. I hate it. Hate it more than anyone will ever know. I’m tired of it always weighing me down, and I’m tired of not being able to live a normal life because of it.
I realized yesterday that I haven’t been stable for a long, long time. I have been so unreliable over the years. And it’s been because of being sick.
There have been times that I thought I was “better,” but it was just a high moment. I haven’t been stable for more than a month at a time since I can remember. That’s why I have started jobs, only to have to leave… so many times. I keep thinking I’m “better,” then it hits hard and I can’t function.
I think this time I’m realizing that I have a lot of work ahead of me still.
The amount of anxiety that I deal with isn’t from just one thing, it’s from a combination of things. And until I figure out what that combination is, I will probably not be stable.
I’m so thankful for a supportive husband, but he’s feeling the weight too. And my kids feel it. Levi was crying a bunch this morning, and I realized it was every time I walked out of the room. You see, I’ve been so focused on getting better that sometimes my kids don’t get the affection that they need. I gave him a big hug and kiss and it helped him. He just needed my affection (something that I don’t give out very easily these days).
I won’t be able to work a regular job until I can get stable. This is hard for me. I keep trying to find a job only to realize that God isn’t opening those doors. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself through the days (I’m not used to being alone so much), but God is allowing me so much time to work on myself, so I need to be doing that. I have a lot of options for doing this, but I often push the work away because it’s so hard.
A few things that I need to do… finish my Celebrate Recovery homework for the week (especially my letter to God that is due on Saturday), and write a letter to Joey (not looking forward to this).
Until next time…