March 24, 2014 by Courtney
If you have been keeping up, last Thursday, in the midst of a really rough day, I wrote about all the work that I have ahead of me. Then, the next day, after a day full of really hard work, I wrote about knocking down the wall of condemnation and expectation. I have had quite a few really good days since Thursday.
On one hand, I feel so hopeful… Maybe I’m finally learning and growing through this. Maybe all of the counseling that I’ve gone through is helping me change and grow. Maybe my medication is finally right. Maybe I can move forward and not look back. Maybe… just maybe this is the end of a major struggle.
But on the other hand… things aren’t so pretty and hopeful. You see, I have these cycles. I have cycles of really low lows and high highs. It’s hard to know at the moment if this “feeling good” is just part of my cycles or if it’s my new normal.
My doctor doesn’t think I have Bipolar II (like the hospital doc thought) because she says that there are a lot of major symptoms that I don’t have, but why do I have these cycles? These low lows and high highs? My doc says that it’s severe anxiety, and it leads to the depression… Today, I just don’t know.
All I know is that I can’t worry about what might come… I am trying to just enjoy having this “high moment” and see if it continues. Maybe this IS it. Maybe I have learned and grown so much in the past few months and I am finally putting what I’m learning into practice. I guess only time will tell.
Today, I feel good. Tomorrow, I may not. And that’s okay. Just like I have said in so many of my posts, I am truly learning that I have to take one day at a time. Anything that tells me to worry about tomorrow is just lies… so I have to listen to the truth of God’s word.
I am choosing truth today. Life is hopeful because Jesus has been victorious. Because of that, I can choose to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it continues for a while.