Feeling Defective


March 27, 2014 by Courtney


I’ll be completely honest.  I want to be hopeful because of my change in diagnosis, but I am feeling more hopeless now.  I don’t know what it is.  I feel… hmmm… what’s the word.  Defective.  Like something is wrong that will never be “healed.”  I could deal with anxiety and depression because they felt more curable.  Now I have this thing.  This definite chemical imbalance that can only be treated… not healed.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel as though all of the craziness that I have felt for the majority of my life makes more sense.  My complete inability to balance has made me feel like I have never been able to be stable.  I can look back on the past 15+ years and see it.  I have been up and down my whole life.  So many people in my life can see it.  Even before the “official” diagnosis, when it was just a possibility, so many of my friends told me that it was so clear to them.

But the actual diagnosis.  I feel as though this means that I will have to be on a lot of medication my whole life… that I will never be able to “overcome” this.  Anxiety, yes.  Depression, yes.  But Bipolar… I don’t think so.

This… this thing… this thing that is wrong with me… it’s part of who I am.  I can’t exactly shake it off, just like someone with another debilitating illness can’t shake it off.  I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.  It’s an illness that will need real treatment for the long-term.

As I type this, I hear the birds chirping outside my window, and I know that hope exists.  I just have more work to do to find it for the long-term.  God DOES have a plan for this, just like when other people struggle with things.  Everyone has something.  Mine just happens to be a mental illness that can be managed but not cured.

One thought on “Feeling Defective

  1. […] after I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, I wrote a post about Feeling Defective.  I saw the diagnosis as a curse.  It meant that I would not be healed.  I would have to live […]

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