March 27, 2014 by Courtney
I’ll be completely honest. I want to be hopeful because of my change in diagnosis, but I am feeling more hopeless now. I don’t know what it is. I feel… hmmm… what’s the word. Defective. Like something is wrong that will never be “healed.” I could deal with anxiety and depression because they felt more curable. Now I have this thing. This definite chemical imbalance that can only be treated… not healed.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel as though all of the craziness that I have felt for the majority of my life makes more sense. My complete inability to balance has made me feel like I have never been able to be stable. I can look back on the past 15+ years and see it. I have been up and down my whole life. So many people in my life can see it. Even before the “official” diagnosis, when it was just a possibility, so many of my friends told me that it was so clear to them.
But the actual diagnosis. I feel as though this means that I will have to be on a lot of medication my whole life… that I will never be able to “overcome” this. Anxiety, yes. Depression, yes. But Bipolar… I don’t think so.
This… this thing… this thing that is wrong with me… it’s part of who I am. I can’t exactly shake it off, just like someone with another debilitating illness can’t shake it off. I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s an illness that will need real treatment for the long-term.
As I type this, I hear the birds chirping outside my window, and I know that hope exists. I just have more work to do to find it for the long-term. God DOES have a plan for this, just like when other people struggle with things. Everyone has something. Mine just happens to be a mental illness that can be managed but not cured.