June 7, 2014 by Courtney
I wrote a post a little over a month ago called “Life is About Living,” and I thought I’d write an update about it.
This month has definitely been up and down for me in terms of my emotional state with food, exercise, and weight. I thought that my “ah ha” moment would lead to a quick change in mind, but that hasn’t been the case. It’s been difficult.
I realized this week that this is a journey. It’s not a one time “ah ha” moment, but it’s going to be months of work to get to where I need to be with this.
I have come a long way, though, and I thought it would be good to share.
When I decided to make a change, to stop obsessing over food, exercise, and weight, I stopped using my Fitbit and deleted my My Fitness Pal account. I felt so good about things. I ate pretty healthy still, but didn’t obsess over it.
Over time, I started eating more and more unhealthy food. My weight went up a bit, and I thought that maybe I made the wrong decision.
I decided to create a new My Fitness Pal account and start using my Fitbit again. I started doing things for the sole purpose of seeing how many steps I could get in a day. To see how many miles I walked/ran a day.
I continued to get more and more frustrated when I saw that the scale wasn’t moving. And my clothes were still too tight.
Obsessed. Obsessed with my weight, my size, the way I look, and the fact that I’m not where I’d like to be.
This past Monday (after a few weeks of being obsessed), I realized my obsession and decided that I truly need to make a change and one that sticks this time.
My counselor helped me work through some things, and mostly I just decided that my motivations need to change completely. Instead of having a motivation to change my outward appearance (external), my motivation needs to be internal only… these internal goals would be to clear my mind, relieve stress, produce endorphins, gain energy, have heart health, and to just be healthy in general. And my reasons to eat are to sustain life, for enjoyment, and for relational reasons (eating ice cream with my family, etc).
Instead of the external motivation of appearance, I’ve decided that I need to just eat and move, and let everything else just fall into place. I’m okay with my size, even if it never changes. I’m learning to change the way I see myself, and that has made all the difference. I may never be smaller, but I am healthy. I am strong. I have a healthy heart (my heart rate while exercising has dropped significantly in the past year). I am mentally and emotionally healthier than I’ve been in years.
Those things are so much more important than my outward appearance. Those things matter.
God made me the way I am for a reason and a purpose. I don’t have to look a certain way to be able to live that purpose out.
God made you just the way you are. You are beautiful. He has a purpose for your life. Live it out. Right here, right now.