July 10, 2014 by Courtney
So much has happened in the past few weeks, and I don’t even know where to begin. Life, as usual, has had its ups and downs, but things are ultimately going really well. I haven’t been blogging because, well, I haven’t felt the need to. I’ve been just living life and not writing about it as much.
One of the biggest things that has happened in my life is that I have been hired to teach! This is HUGE for me as I really thought my teaching days were over for a while. I went through the grieving process for a few months as I dealt with this. I truly thought I had messed up my chances by leaving in February from my previous job (leaving mid-year, again).
God, in is grace and mercy, had another plan. I will be teaching at a small private school. This school is well known and loved in the community, and the people I know that work there LOVE it.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is the perfect environment for me. One of love and acceptance. I don’t have to be someone I’m not. I can be who God created me to be. I can TEACH. Not to a test, but I can actually teach children. And on top of great curriculum, novel studies, and writer’s workshop, I get to talk to them about Jesus. That in and of itself is something to celebrate.
Another amazing thing about this school is that they understand the value of the individual teaching styles being different, and they even encourage it. I will be able to teach the way I teach best. There’s so much freedom in that!
Not long after I found out I had the job, I started to struggle with anxiety again. My immediate thoughts were “great, not again.” And “maybe I can’t handle this after all.” I began quickly feeling the need for perfection in things. Once I got those thoughts in check, faced them head-on, and worked through them, my anxiety disappeared. This took about a week and a half. This is HUGE. In the past, my anxiety would have spiraled and only gotten worse without hope of getting better. But now that I know how to control my thoughts better, I am able to work through things and rid myself of anxiety! God has given me the strength, wisdom, and power to do this! I’m so thankful to my counselor and Celebrate Recovery for teaching me how to work through things. Without all the work I have done, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
Being able to work through my thoughts has made me a new person. I can’t explain it, but I am in a completely new place today. Freedom and peace are in my life. I have joy and hope that I have never experienced before. I finally, for the first time in my life, feel like I can handle the things that life throws at me.
I have found a more simple life on top of all of this. I no longer care about the expectations that this world has for me as a mom and wife. I look at who God wants me to be, and I just do my best (with His help). I’m keeping meal planning simple. I only shop at one or two stores (the stores that will save me the most money!). I’m not making everything from scratch, and I’m okay with that. I bake when I feel like it, but not because I feel like I HAVE to. We have been getting rid of things in our house and simplifying in all areas. I am beginning to feel good about our home and where God has us. Because we live in a small home, once I start making a salary again, we’ll be able to slowly work on our debt, put money in savings, and just enjoy living. Small home = more freedom for us.
Life is good. God is good. Always. He was good when I was in the midst of turmoil, and He’s good now that I’m feeling better.
I trust that He is using the hard times for His glory, and He has used the hard times to grow me.
I’ve also decided to go ahead and share what I feel God wants me to share. He has given me this story for a reason and a purpose. I am who He created me to be, and I have gone through things for His glory!
If you’re struggling with anxiety and/or depression, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. With God, it IS possible to get out of the place that you’re in. And know that you’re not defective. I thought that about myself for so long. You are NOT your anxiety and depression. You are a beautiful person created on purpose, for a purpose. I encourage you to seek help in a counselor and/or Celebrate Recovery and start the work today!