November 12, 2014 by Courtney
These past few days of outpatient therapy have been so good. We have talked about self-esteem, how to change your self-esteem, positive qualities, identity, and guilt.
The guilt part was because I brought it up.
You see, I have a cycle. I get a job, I’m excited about it, I do really well right at first, then I fall quickly because of severe anxiety. I then find that I cannot handle the job (because of the severe anxiety and panic attacks), and I resign. Once the excitement of being able to breathe again wears off, the guilt sets in.
That’s where I am right now.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I have quit, yet again. I feel guilty that I’m not providing financially. I feel guilty that I have left my students. I feel guilty that my co-workers are having to work a little harder because I left. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
After talking it out today, I realized something: I have a choice. I can choose to carry the weight of my guilt, or I can choose to “get over it” and enjoy life. Enjoy being the wife I need to be to my husband. Enjoy being there for my kids. And most of all, enjoy the process of truly taking care of myself and getting/staying healthy (mentally/emotionally/spiritually).
If I’ve learned anything through this cycle, it’s that I have tried to jump into something my body can’t handle too many times, and it’s time to not feel guilty about taking care of myself. I will be a better wife, mom, daughter, friend because of it. I can be who God created me to be when I truly decide to take care of myself and be okay with it.
Today, I am choosing to not feel guilty for it anymore. I am who I am, and I can’t change that. It’s time to start living the life that I am supposed to live. One of freedom and liberty. Not the chains of guilt that hold me back.