November 14, 2014 by Courtney
Those thoughts. They creep in quietly without me even noticing. They are the thoughts of shame and guilt. They are the thoughts of “I wish I…” They are the thoughts of “why?” They are thoughts of “I should…”
It would be very easy to give in to them. It would be very easy to ruin my day, week, month with them.
But I am making the choice. I can choose to allow the thoughts ruin things, or I can choose to let them pass with-out giving in.
Today I am making the choice to let them pass.
There are a lot of things that I don’t understand. I hate being sick. I hate having an anxiety disorder and depression issues. I hate that these things affect my life so much. And I could easily let those things define who I am. Today, I am choosing to recognize that the illness is part of my life, but it isn’t ME.
God has a plan. He knew that I would have to quit my job again. Sometimes I feel that He allowed me to get the job and struggle so that I would just stop trying to do something that I am not meant to do. It’s hard because I WANT to be a teacher. I WANT to be able to handle a full time teaching position. So I kept trying, and I kept trying. Well now I am done trying. It’s no longer something that I can handle, and I have to be okay with that.
So now the question is, how can I use the abilities, gifts, and passions for teaching in other ways? That’s the part that I’ll have to figure out. I trust that God will make that clear in His time.
For now, I am choosing to see the amazing blessings in my life and be thankful for where I am.
I am now a stay-at-home-mama. I have wanted this so much, but I kept pushing myself back into teaching thinking that was what I was “supposed” to do. Now I know what I am supposed to do.
More importantly, I know what I “get” to do.
I get to pick my kids up from school every day. I get to go to class parties. I get to help the kids with their homework every day. I get to read with them every night, and I get to sing them to sleep. I get to do fun advent activities with them. I get to color in coloring books with them. I get to watch movies and drink hot chocolate with them. I get to serve my husband by keeping the house clean and the laundry done. I get to cook dinner and bake my favorite foods.
I get to focus on being and staying healthy. I get to spend time in the Word every morning. I get to go running each day. I get to go to and serve in Celebrate Recovery. I get to focus on growing and becoming the person that God created me to be.
Some of these things I could have done while working full time, but with my severe anxiety every day, it wasn’t happening. Every moment of every evening was focused on finding relief from the anxiety that I couldn’t control. Now, every moment of every day will be focused on being healthy and loving my family.
I am making the choice to love life right where it is, and be thankful that God has a plan for all of it.