I have a minute-by-minute battle. I never feel like I am enough. Ever. I read posts like this: “Abandoning the Should” (written by my wonderful counselor), and this: “This Blog is Going to Embarrass My Husband,” and I 100% agree with them, but I struggle with believing them for myself. I know in my head that God made me the way I am for a reason and a purpose, but I struggle with truly believing it in my heart.
I AM ME
In all the world there is not one exactly like me.
Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I choose it…
I own everything about me, my body, my feelings, my
mouth, my voice, all my actions whether they be to others or to myself…
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears…
I own all of my triumphs and successes, all of my failures and mistakes… because I own all of me.
I become intimately acquainted with me…
by so doing, I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts…
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me and other aspects I do not know…
but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me…
however I look and sound whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a
given moment in time is authentically me…
if later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turned out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting and keep the rest and invest something new for that which is I discard…
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and
order out of the world of people and things outside of me…
I own me and therefore I can engineer me…
I am me and I AM OKAY.
I constantly want to be better. I am never content with who I am, where I am. I’m not sure who or what makes me feel that way, but the person that I am is never enough in my eyes.
I desperately want to be comfortable with who I am, right where I am. Even if I never change. Even if I stay the way I am right now forever. I want it to be enough.
My anxiety comes from the expectations that I put on myself… the “shoulds.” The only way to rid myself from anxiety will be to truly live out realistic expectations and keep those minute-by-minute. Perfectionism is impossible to attain. Who am I right now? Who am I right where I am? Who am I if I never change? Who am I if I stay right where I am, today?
I am a passionate person. When I enjoy something, I put 150% into it. Sometimes this back-fires on me.
I absolutely love to bake. It literally brings me peace when I’m in my tiny kitchen baking.
I need to have a clean house. When it is messy and cluttered, my brain feels messy and cluttered. It has nothing to do with what people think, but has everything to do with my mental health.
I care too much what others think about my tiny house. I feel that it defines who I am… I struggle with being content with it. I look around at everyone else in this city and feel that my tiny house makes me “not enough.” Like a house really matters…
I enjoy cheesy Christmas movies. I love the smell of Christmas candles. I start listening to Christmas music in October. We set up our Christmas tree before Thanksgiving. Christmas is my favorite.
I need to be outdoors as much as possible. I love running and bike riding. I’m not “good” at either, but I don’t care. Backpacking is something I wish I could do more of. There’s something amazing about being outdoors in God’s creation.
I love coffee with raw sugar and half and half. I have to have at least 2-3 cups every morning. My favorite part of the day is drinking coffee and reading my Bible.
I also have an addiction to Sonic Route 44 Coke Zero with lime. I know how unhealthy it is… and right now, I don’t care. It’s called balance. I eat healthy most of the time.
I have lofty goals much of the time. I made a household notebook and rarely use it. I planned activities and readings to do with the kids for advent every day, and we haven’t done a good job of keeping up. I bought Christmas cards and have written maybe a handful. I haven’t sent them out, either. I wrote a blog post a couple of days ago about not spending any money, and the next day I took the boys to Chick-Fil-A for lunch.
Robert has to keep my scale hidden or I would weigh myself 5 times a day. I have an obsession with my weight. For some reason I feel that if I weigh myself 5 times a day, the scale will go down… Not sure why I do that. I found the scale while he was gone, and I need to have him hide it again. When I know how much I weigh, it makes me feel depressed. It would be best to not know. I want to learn to be okay right where I am… the size that I am. I may never get back to size 10 and I want to be okay with that. Because it’s not about size or weight… it’s about mental and emotional health. Some days I see others losing weight quickly by doing fad diets, using pyramid scheme weight-loss products, etc, and I think about using these strategies… then I realize I would never be able to keep up with something so extreme. I need to just learn to accept myself even if I never change. And on that note, if I gave into one of these strategies, I would be going against everything I believe.
I love to play games. Robert, the kids, and I play games several nights a week.
I love to write even if it doesn’t make sense. I write for me, not for anyone else. Sometimes God uses my crazy head to benefit others, and that makes me happy… I believe in being transparent, open, and sharing who I am. I have found that God uses it for His glory so much of the time.
I love to read but don’t do it enough. I have several books that I’ve started and not finished. Sometimes, if the book is good enough, I will read the whole thing in a few hours. Just depends on my mood. I love fiction books. Self-help books are pointless to me much of the time because I can’t live by them.
I have to constantly re-frame my thoughts. I automatically think in a way that is detrimental to my mental and emotional health, so it takes a lot of work. I’m hoping that my self-talk will one day be automatically positive. In the meantime, I have to work hard at it.
Today… I AM ME, and I AM OKAY.
Who Are You?