December 15, 2014 by Courtney
I didn’t start this year thinking it would be rough. In fact, I started this year with great hopes and expectations. I wrote this post on my old blog: Change of Word for Year 2014.
Things quickly went down hill as I went back to work after the Christmas break. I fell quickly. The expectations that were put on me by myself and my employers had me sinking with anxiety and depression. Finally, I couldn’t even get out of bed. I had a major panic attack that landed me in the ER. They suggested that I go into the hospital, and I’m so glad I did.
After I got out of the hospital, I went through so much in my recovery, including learning that I am Bipolar II, understanding what that means for me, learning to be grateful despite the hard times, and becoming stable in my illness as I found the right meds and worked through my recovery in Celebrate Recovery and individual counseling. So much of my processing through this can be found here: March 2014. March was a big month for me in my recovery.
I thought I was “better” this summer so I jumped right back into teaching. With-in a month, I went downhill again. Unfortunately I wasn’t using healthy coping strategies, and I ended up back in the hospital for three weeks. I didn’t realize how bad I had gotten until I started having panic attacks again.
Since the day I went back into the hospital this November, I have come a long way again. It has taken a lot of work, but I feel like with the way things are going, 2015 will be much better.
Why do I feel this way?
I have learned who it is that I am. And I’m beginning to actually like that person.
I use healthy coping strategies now instead of unhealthy ones (a post on this is coming in the future).
I have become content with staying home and taking care of my mental health.
I am on the right medications.
I am trusting that God will work things out for His purposes and glory. He has done so much in my life, and I know that He will continue.
My expectations of myself have changed. I do the best I can. I don’t expect perfection.
I have learned to re-frame my thoughts to be more positive and realistic. I am learning to change my irrational thoughts to rational ones. This still takes work on my part, but it’s getting better each day.