Today has been a roller coaster of emotions, and it’s only 1:00.
This morning was really good. I can’t really go into specifics right now, but I am hopeful about some things.
Then, I went to the doctor. My appointment was pretty routine… talked about meds, if we feel like they are working (yes), and if we need to make any changes (no). I came out of there with a coupon to save me money on one of them (yay!), but with the knowledge that my weight has gone up even more. I feel like I’m at a point in which I can just eat a cookie and I gain 5 pounds.
I’m not sure what’s going on there, but I came home feeling very hopeless in this area. I spent a few hours talking with friends and just crying. I want so badly to be where I was weight-wise a year ago.
Through talking with a very wise (and much younger!) cousin of mine, I realized that I wasn’t happy with my weight even at that time. She reminded me that if I’m unhappy with myself right now, I won’t be happy with myself if I lose weight. I need to love myself where I am.
It’s not a bad thing to want to be healthy. It’s not even a bad thing to want to be in a healthy weight-range. What IS unhealthy is focusing on it, obsessing with it, and making it all that I think about… which is where I am today.
So I realized that I needed to spend some time re-framing my thoughts.
After seeing my weight this morning, my thoughts were NOT self-compassionate. They were things like “I am getting fat,” “I feel hopeless about ever being at a healthy weight again,” “I am not pretty at my current weight,” “I feel worthless.”
I’m changing my thoughts to “I am doing a great job eating mostly whole foods,” “It’s important to focus on health, not weight,” “I am beautiful no matter my weight,” “I CAN be at a healthy weight, it just might take time because I’m doing it the healthy way,” “I am okay right now, where I am.”
I also decided that I need to focus on what I’m doing RIGHT, and how I can gain control of my health with-out doing anything drastic AND without making a certain weight a goal.
Some things that I’m doing right: 1) I have green smoothies most days for breakfast, 2) I make most things homemade (with whole grains), 3) I use mostly natural sweeteners, 4) I eat mostly whole foods, 5) We rarely eat out, 6) I DO have more balance than I think.
Some things that I can work on to benefit my health: 1) Drink enough water each day, 2) Do some form of exercise each day: walking, biking, yoga, etc (I can’t run right now because I’m having foot problems), 3) Add in more nourishing foods, 4) Cut down my sugar in-take (maybe cut down the amount of coffee I drink, because let’s be real, I will never stop putting sugar in my coffee).
I was reminded this morning that I need to have internal motivation, not external. I will never be mentally/emotionally/physically healthy if I am externally motivated.
So my goal is to be healthy, feel good, have more energy, be able to do the things that I love (backpacking, hiking, etc), and to be mentally/emotionally healthy.
I will probably need to re-read this post every day until I believe every word that I just wrote :-). One day at a time, right?