January 29, 2015 by Courtney
It creeps in. Those thoughts of “you’re not good enough.” “Look at her.” “She does a better job.” “You need to try harder.” “You’re not enough.”
It can be about anything. Parenting. Natural living. Finances. Appearance. Health.
Oh… that word. Health. So many different meanings.
When I say that word, what do you think of? Eating fruits and vegetables? Eating organic? Drinking lots of water? Working out? Counting calories? Loving yourself?
What? You don’t think of loving yourself when you think of health?
I don’t either. Well, at least until today.
I have been counting calories for 5 weeks. I have lost a total of 6 pounds. And then gained 2 back. So I guess, really, only 4. I have been so focused on weight loss that I have been beating myself up constantly. It has caused me great amounts of anxiety. This is the opposite of what I was hoping for.
You see, I thought that by counting calories and working out 5-6 days a week, I would be healthier. And physically, I probably am. But my focus has been on weight loss so much that I have caused myself to be sick. Sick mentally. Sick emotionally. Sick spiritually. Sure, at first I felt oh so good. But when I didn’t see the pounds come off quickly, I began to beat myself up constantly. Negative self-talk.
I have literally been walking around loathing myself because my weight wasn’t where I wanted it to be.
How healthy is that?
It’s not healthy, and I am making a change.
Sure, my doctor wants me to drop some weight. Is it happening? Sorta. Not much. Could it still happen? Potentially. But I cannot focus on that number any longer. I cannot focus on numbers, period, anymore.
My Fitness Pal can be a great tool for weight loss and health. But for me, it brings on anxiety. It stares me in the face and says,”you didn’t do enough today.”
Instead, I have decided to embrace my pudgy belly. It is what it is. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. In His image. My belly has housed 3 amazing children, and it enjoyed a donut today. I’m okay. I want to love myself “as is,” and if I’m constantly focusing on changing who I am, then I will never be able to.
Today, I am deciding that even if nothing changes, I am okay. I am loved. By my creator, and so many of his creation. I have been greatly blessed with a husband that sees the beauty in me every day. Children who see a mama that loves them and would do anything for them. Friends who come to me when they need an ear to listen and who are always there when I need the same. Life is more than the number on the scale. It is more than the size of my pants. It is beautiful. And I am, too. And so are you.
Being healthy involves loving yourself “as is.” Do you?