September 2, 2015 by Courtney
Through difficult times, I find that I learn so much about myself.
As I wrote in my last post, I recently went through some hypomania and a bipolar low. I am feeling better now; though, I’m not 100%. I talked with my doctor and she re-assured me that this will happen despite the medication. She told me that I’m doing a great job working through it and some situational stress was partly to blame. I’m so thankful that the episodes are so much better than they used to be. A year ago and I would have been back in the hospital. I have come a long way, and I credit the right medication and lots of counseling. And God has been the one to be with me through it all. Though, I haven’t been relying as much on Him as I would like to. One day at a time. I’m human.
Like I said, I learn more about myself through difficult times than through the easy times.
The last time I tried to work, I realized that I cannot work full time. I have worked different types of jobs. Retail. Pharmacy. Teaching. And all of them ended with me quitting because of my mental illness. The majority of those times I did not know it was because of my mental illness, but over time, I have realized that that is what it is. I cannot handle the pressures and hours of a full time job. My family needs me, and that’s all that I can handle.
Homeschooling. Whew. I have tried this multiple times, too. Unfortunately it hasn’t worked out well for myself or my kids. I’m at the point in which I’m so excited about them being educated by someone who doesn’t have a mental illness (at least, I’m assuming?!). They will do SO well at their new school. They are beyond excited. They know. They know what is best, and they aren’t even fighting it. They know. And they start tomorrow. Late. Of course. But I’m just so glad that they’re going to school, and I don’t have to worry about screwing them up. I’m learning my limits. Slowly, but surely. And I will be spending most days just trying to take care of myself so that I can take care of my family. No shame. It is what it is. Tomorrow. Mommy will be a new person, soon. Whew.
Diets. I have tried this many, many times. It always ends up badly. I always end up feeling terribly about myself. Weighing myself multiple times a day. Feeling like I can’t measure up. Feeling like nothing I do is good enough. Feeling like I am just a mess. Yes, during these times, I’m usually working out a ton, which is good for me. But. It’s not good for my mental health. And, I’m usually eating really well. Which is good for me. But, anything but balance isn’t good for my mental health. It takes a lot to keep me moving, and a diet and exercising every day to lose weight is not healthy for me. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I will be hiking a lot now that my kids are in school, but it will be ONLY for my mental and emotional health. I don’t care if I’m skinny anymore. I am who I am. My husband thinks I’m beautiful and sexy just they way I am. In fact, probably more so than when I was thinner. And I’m good with that. His opinion is all that matters. I have no one to measure up to. We’re all different for a reason!
God has a reason and a purpose for everything that He allows. I am growing into the person that He wants me to be. And I’m trusting Him.