I realized last night that I’ve been living in this again. I had a hypomanic episode, a few months ago, then it fell into depression. At that time, we decided to put the kids in school. I started to feel better. For a while.
Lately, I’ve really been struggling. I sleep most of the day. I have no desire for things that I enjoy. I make plans, only to cancel them because I want to sleep. I have zero motivation. For someone that enjoys a clean house, I have had no desire to keep up with it. This lack of desire for things that I enjoy, no motivation, and sleeping all the time was starting to spiral into some hopelessness, which I want to stay away from. Far, far away. I’ve been there, done that, and ended up in the hospital. Twice.
I decided today (after sleeping 3 1/2 hours this morning after a full night’s sleep) that it was time for me to talk with my doctor. Unfortunately, she’s 6 1/2 hours away, in the Dallas area. I have continued using this doctor for one major reason: she gives me samples of a really expensive medication. Fortunately, they do phone appointments! So, I’m hoping that a simple med change will help me. We’ll see. I also see my counselor tomorrow, and just simply going into town will help me, I’m sure.
I think the hardest part of all this for me is realizing and remembering that I am a person that lives with a chronic mental illness, and this is part of life for me. For the rest of my life. It’s so hard to know that it will never go away. I won’t be healed from it. It’s a chemical imbalance that cannot change. It can be managed for a time, but the med adjustments and counseling and seeing a psychiatrist are my life.
In addition to just having an illness, this time of year is hard for our family. Joey died in November, and the fall will always have a darkness to it. Which is hard because I have always loved fall. But it’s been tainted by the gruesome suicide of my only brother. Those memories will never leave me.
I wish I could end on a happy note, but there’s just not much happiness in there right now. I’m learning that it’s okay. I will be okay. But I will also be real. That’s who I am.