I realized last night that I’ve been living in this again.  I had a hypomanic episode, a few months ago, then it fell into depression.  At that time, we decided to put the kids in school.  I started to feel better.  For a while.

Lately, I’ve really been struggling.  I sleep most of the day.  I have no desire for things that I enjoy.  I make plans, only to cancel them because I want to sleep.  I have zero motivation.  For someone that enjoys a clean house, I have had no desire to keep up with it.  This lack of desire for things that I enjoy, no motivation, and sleeping all the time was starting to spiral into some hopelessness, which I want to stay away from.  Far, far away.  I’ve been there, done that, and ended up in the hospital.  Twice.

I decided today (after sleeping 3 1/2 hours this morning after a full night’s sleep) that it was time for me to talk with my doctor.  Unfortunately, she’s 6 1/2 hours away, in the Dallas area.  I have continued using this doctor for one major reason: she gives me samples of a really expensive medication.  Fortunately, they do phone appointments!  So, I’m hoping that a simple med change will help me.  We’ll see.  I also see my counselor tomorrow, and just simply going into town will help me, I’m sure.

I think the hardest part of all this for me is realizing and remembering that I am a person that lives with a chronic mental illness, and this is part of life for me.  For the rest of my life.  It’s so hard to know that it will never go away.  I won’t be healed from it.  It’s a chemical imbalance that cannot change.  It can be managed for a time, but the med adjustments and counseling and seeing a psychiatrist are my life.

In addition to just having an illness, this time of year is hard for our family.  Joey died in November, and the fall will always have a darkness to it.  Which is hard because I have always loved fall.  But it’s been tainted by the gruesome suicide of my only brother.  Those memories will never leave me.

I wish I could end on a happy note, but there’s just not much happiness in there right now.  I’m learning that it’s okay.  I will be okay.  But I will also be real.  That’s who I am.