November 9, 2015 by Courtney
I was going to write out an elaborate blog post about how I have realized that my heart has been hardened and it has caused a strain relationship with my Savior; I decided, though, that my prayer to Him this morning was sufficient. I know I’m not the only one that has been in this place. He loves you. He wants an intimate relationship with you.
As I listened to some amazing women tell their story last night, I came to some conclusions about myself. I have a very strained relationship with You. My heart is hardened right now and I don’t want it to be anymore. As you know, I just don’t understand why you allow some things, so I have had a very distant relationship with you. I am so tired of being sick. I don’t understand why you have made me the way you have. I don’t understand why I have to struggle with anxiety and depression. Some days are really hard.
I don’t spend time with you like I used to. I don’t pray often. I don’t read your word like I have in the past. I feel so disconnected. I hate this feeling, and I want it to change. How can it change? I know spending time with you is #1. But what else can I do?
Jesus, I ask with all that is with-in me, please let my new medication work. I pray that it puts me in remission for good. I pray that it will do what the doctors think it will do and that I’ll feel good and have normal days without depression and anxiety. I desire so much to be able to serve my family and those around me. I want to stop focusing on myself and the illness that I struggle with minute by minute. I desire for life to be more than just pushing myself to get through depression and anxiety every day. I want to thrive and not just survive.
Please soften my heart. Please come close and have an intimate relationship with me again. I know you’re there. I know you want to be close to me again. I know that it is possible. I know that part of it is that I have to lay down my questions and concerns and trust that you have a plan. I pray that you are glorified through me, my mess and all.
In Jesus’ name I pray,
If you’re in a dark season, watch this video. There’s hope for a new season full of beautiful blooms.