January 4, 2016 by Courtney
I haven’t written in quite a while, so I thought I’d write an “update” post for those wondering what’s been going on with me.
On December 8, I began working as the editor for a website. I very quickly realized it wasn’t going to be a good fit. I was working way more hours than what I was told I would. I wasn’t posting enough of what they wanted me to post (viral re-writes and viral click bait) because I didn’t believe in viral stuff (I didn’t feel that it was authentic, and as a reader of that website for a while, that was what turned me off). These things caused my anxiety to very quickly elevate and I began having panic attacks. My depression was coming on quickly again. After 3 weeks (which felt like months), I decided it’s just not worth it. So, on December 31, I wrote my resignation email and they told me to just wrap it up that day (so thankful!).
So, here I am, back to being stay-at-home-mama and homeschooling mom to Karis.
I would love to say that my anxiety is completely gone and I feel so relieved, but that’s not exactly the case. I feel as though I’ve failed yet again, which continues to remind me that I do in fact have an illness that I cannot control very easily. I take medication (and really good stuff… I was feeling amazing before I started working), but as soon as I start working, my anxiety/panic attacks, and depression come right back. It’s very frustrating to say the least. I spent an hour crying about it with my therapist, and I realized in that appointment that I still haven’t accepted my illness. I can accept everyone else’s, but I cannot accept my own.
In the middle of my frustration and sadness, I’m happy to say I’m also growing in some good ways and have learned a lot lately.
I am created the way I am for a reason and a purpose. God did not mess up when he made me. I am here to help others, and that’s always been my goal. I hope someone can learn through my life and hardships.
I have an amazing family that I love more each and every day. They make me laugh, they love me for who I am, they accept me for who I am, they pray with me, sing with me, cook/bake with me, hike with me, and are just always there. I could not do this life without them. So even in the moments of self-doubt, I have the understanding that I am not in this alone. My husband is my best friend and has been there by my side through all of this (hospitalizations, leaving jobs, etc). I know that I will always have love and support from him and my kids (and our parents, siblings, etc). I am using this time to really grow closer to them as well as teach them and learn from them. It takes a lot of my energy, but it’s well worth it.
I am learning to finally accept my body the way it is. I am finally DONE with diets and hard exercise programs. I am learning to eat to nourish myself (and sometimes that involves a doughnut), move for enjoyment, and I am okay with the fact that I may never be the size I once was. I have kind of become anti-diet industry now and am un-following everyone that focuses on that (especially the pyramid scheme marketing companies that sell stuff for “weight loss”) because I don’t need that un-healthy view of bodies staring me in the face. It has brought me so much freedom.
I have learned that I desperately need routine to function at my best. I have not had routine in three weeks and it has torn me apart. I need to get up in the morning, spend time with Jesus while drinking coffee, help get the kids ready and going, then shower, dry my hair, and put on make up. I need to do my one load of laundry a day, keep up with the dishes, keep the house cleaned up, and do one weekly chore per day. I need to be there for my daughter while she is doing her school work. And frankly, she needs me. I am her teacher. We had a good thing going before I took the job, and we’re right back at it today. It feels so good. I am learning that teaching her is my job right now, and I can accept that. It’s a big job! And soon enough (in a year and a half), the boys will be homeschooled and I will be teaching them.
Most of all, I’m reminded that God truly does have a plan. Even though the job didn’t go as I thought it would, I learned a lot in my short time there. I can use what I learned on my personal blog. I have been reminded of what I feel is important, and I’ve learned what people need. I am just using what I learned to move forward.
This blog will never be what is viral out there, and I’m okay with that. If my blog never grows, then I’ll just know it is for the people who need it, when they need it. I trust God with it all. Numbers don’t matter to me. It’s authenticity and depth that I’m looking for. So, my hope is that you will always find that here. I may not always post about mental illness, but that is typically what I post about. Hope you’ll stick around!