April 15, 2016 by Courtney
After all of my breathing issues last week, and after talking with friends with Hashimotos, I decided to get tested. I figured it could explain some of my extreme anxiety, weight gain (and inability to lose weight), fatigue, and mental health issues.
I got the call this morning with the results, and I found out that I don’t have Hashimotos. So, apparently I really do just have bipolar with anxiety, need to eat better and exercise more, and am tired for various reasons.
I’m kind of disappointed. I was really hoping there was a physical reason for my symptoms. Especially in the mental health area of my life.
So today I’m just HATING being mentally ill. I was reminded of this when trying to decide on curriculum, yet again. I thought I had made a decision, and Robert told me to choose something that is sustainable on my worst days. I hate to hear that. I want to choose what is best for THEM. Not what will work for ME on my worst days.
Then, I am reminded, yet again, that my kids will learn in spite of me.
They will be fine, and our days will keep going even when I have to sleep till 9:00 because I didn’t sleep the night before. Or even when I’m depressed. Or even when I’m hypomanic. Or even when I’m anxious. Everything will be okay. No one has it perfect, and I have to remember that everything will turn out okay because God has called us to this place, this camp, homeschooling, and this season of life. I know that with Him, anything is possible. Without Him, I can do nothing.
I’m thankful that homeschooling is something that brings me so much joy. My kids are learning so much even though all the boys are doing is reading, math, writing (journaling for the boys), and science (unit studies). Karis is also doing a writing curriculum (Essentials in Writing), spelling, and handwriting. We’re not doing history at all right now, and I’m okay with that. We’ll get there.
They have so much time to be kids. They are imaginative, creative, spend lots of time outside, and spend lots of time together. They are learning to get along better, and they are learning that as siblings, they are each others’ best friends. They also have plenty of time to play with friends that homeschool here. Trampoline, cars in the dirt, bike riding, Legos, and crafts are among the many things that they get to do after school.
Today they built this out of tissue boxes, unifix cubes, and craft supplies. They had so much fun.
Through it all I’m remembering one important thing that all my friends keep reminding me: Grace. God’s grace is sufficient, I need to give myself grace and give my kids grace. We are all in this together and we will learn and grow as a family as we face hard times.
Through this reminder, I am also realizing that some of what I face is just what everyone faces. It’s not special because I’m mentally ill. Today I’m feeling fine with my mental health, I’m just struggling with life issues that lots of people struggle with.
In the midst of it, life is good. I’m thankful for where we are and where we are headed. I’m thankful for my amazing husband and beautiful kids. I am thankful for the community that surrounds me, accepts me, and loves me despite my flaws.
I am figuring things out one day at a time. God’s got this. His grace is sufficient. His grace is sufficient.