June 22, 2016 by Courtney
The things that I’m writing about here are hard for me to “put out there” because I’m being very transparent and vulnerable. I hope that you will have grace for me as you read. One of the biggest things is that I want people to see that an every day person can have a battle that you know nothing about. And for you to not feel alone if this is your battle.
I have spent the past several years battling something that I have finally made the decision to stop. That battle is with alcohol. It started out as a coping mechanism. I have stopped many times, only to think I can handle a little here, a little there. And it always turns into much more than that. The recent plan was to not drink at home… only drink when I’m at a restaurant or at my parents’ house. These past few weeks while I was at my parents I drank sooooo much. I’m embarrassed by it to be honest. It has gotten to the point in which my brain is just foggy all of the time, and I’m exhausted.
We’ll see how long this lasts, but since I’ve decided to quit I have had ZERO cravings for it. I’m sure the day will come in which I want it, but for now, I’m happy without it. A couple things I’ve learned… I can’t ever start back up again. I can’t ever have one at a restaurant. I am done. If I start again, it will blow up into what it has been. I’m okay with this. Also, I feel so clear headed now! Who knew that the alcohol was causing me to feel so terrible all the time. I’m hoping that my sleep issues will correct themselves with this decision.
More than anything, I feel so hopeful. I know that not drinking will help my medication work 100% so any issues that I have had will be better. I feel hopeful for my sleep. I’m feeling hopeful for my family. I am feeling hopeful for my future. I’m feeling hopeful for my relationship with Christ because this has been standing in between us. All of that passion that I have wanted has been lacking because of the idol that I had. I have been drinking at a sinful level. It caused a wedge in our relationship.
Another decision that I have made it to finally bite the bullet and go back to doing Trim Healthy Mama. I want to be healthy again and just saying “I will eat healthy” doesn’t work for me. I need guidelines. I have been so anti-diet, but I’m learning that diets are what some people need. I’m not really even looking to lose weight, but this is self care for me. I want to feel good. I hope to start hiking regularly again soon.
The plan for the beginning of July is to get up in the morning, have time with Jesus, then take the kids for a hike before it gets too hot. Then I’ll get myself ready and let the kids play with friends. After lunch, we will do school. Then they can play with friends again. Somewhere in that I’ll still try to keep up with laundry and the house. I just feel so much better when I do.
I’m at such peace right now. I am just praying for God to fill in the gaps where I fail, give me grace, help me to not have cravings and the way out when I do. Good things are coming!