Now What?

I have a terrible, viscous cycle.  You see, I hate my body.  I have tried for years and years to “whip it into shape.”  I’ve done most things you can imagine.  I have worked out way too much.  I have counted calories for every bite.  I have done the 21 day fix, twice (doing the diet and doing the videos plus hiking 1 1/2 hours every day).  And most recently, I tried Trim Healthy Mama (for the second time).  After months of spending TONS of money, trying a lot of food I don’t like (with some that I do like mixed in), and spending every waking moment thinking about food (and obsessing over my weight), I realized last night that I really have to stop doing this.

Now what?  I have all of this THM food that I have spent WAY too much money on.  I have a way of eating engrained in my brain that I will have a hard time doing things differently.  The idea that “thinner is better” is part of how I view life… and THM only made that worse.  I have a lot of damage to undo.

Well, I am selling some of the THM foods that I wouldn’t use.  For example, the sweeteners (xylitol and erythritol) actually tear my stomach up.  So, I am getting rid of those.  The baking blend is easy to sell, and I honestly don’t really like it.  I am going to keep and use everything else.  For the most part, I can still eat whole, real foods.  Just for the nourishment of my body.  But no more… eating fuels separately.  If I want fat with my carbs, I will have fat with my carbs.  I won’t obsess about not having sugar.  I will allow myself raw sugar (for my coffee only), sucanat, raw honey, and maple.  I will have some stevia, but it will no longer be my primary sweetener.  I love the Good Girl Moonshine, and I see the benefit of it.  I love Triple Zero yogurt.  I have tons of sprouted flour, and I love homemade sprouted bread.  I have a ton of Trade Joe’s sprouted bread in my freezer and I really like it.

I just want to live life without focusing on food and weight loss.  The thing is, no matter what I do, my weight wants to stay about the same.  So my body has found its happy weight… my mind just needs to be happy with it.

I pulled this book back out and plan to re-read it.  I want so desperately to think about food in a healthy, non-disordered way.

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I want to eat healthy, nourishing foods for the purpose of nourishing my body.  Not for weight loss.  I want to be DONE trying to lose weight.  Now if I can follow through with this.

One of the biggest things I’ve realized is that my disordered way of eating and focusing on weight has definitely affected my kids.  I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking she needs to diet to be a certain size.  She has told me before that she’s glad she isn’t fat and she hopes she never gets fat.  So sad that a ten year old would think that way.  I want to develop healthy body image and teach her how to eat to nourish her body and not to lose weight.

Another thing that I’m realizing is that eating unhealthy foods sometimes is healthy and normal.  Eating perfectly is my type A mentality.  All or nothing.  Black and white.  Perfectionist.

So.  I’m going to take this one day at a time.  One moment at a time.  I can’t all of a sudden be happy with my body.  It’s going to take time.  I feel so much freedom, though.  I have felt like I was in a prison of perfectionism for a few months.  Whew.  I can do this.

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