October 29, 2016 by Courtney
I haven’t been around in weeks. My life has changed completely. I don’t even know if this will post because I’m on a antique computer with really crappy internet, but I thought I’d try.
I knew I had an alcohol problem and was trying to stop on my own, but it wasn’t working. A few weeks ago Robert was out of town. I got drunk 4 out of 5 days. That Wednesday morning I woke up and knew that I had to do something BIG to overcome this… just going to Celebrate Recovery once a week and trying on my own wasn’t going to work any longer.
I emailed my sponsor (through CR) and asked her for information on local treatment centers. She immediately sent me 3 that she said are all really good. I tried one and found out that they were out of network through my insurance so I wouldn’t even dream of being able to afford it.
The next one I called was La Hacienda.
Everything looked good until they told me that the doctor would be billed separately from the center and it would be an additional $3400. I told them there was no way I could afford that, and he said… give me some time and I’ll see what I can do. About an hour later he called me back and told me he made it work, and all I had to pay was the rest of my deductible.
The next day (while Robert was still out of town), I packed my bags and headed for Hunt, TX.
I cried from Wednesday through the first hour that I was here. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I knew I would be leaving my babies behind for 30 days and I hadn’t even seen Robert in almost a week by this point. Life as I knew it would never be the same. I wanted to stay home where it was comfortable, but I knew that if I didn’t make this decision, I would potentially start making some very dangerous decisions. Plus, as I’ve learned since I’ve been here, alcoholism is very deadly.
I am on day 17 now. And while it is very difficult some days, I actually love it here. I have made some really dear friends. We have lots of fun. I am learning SO much. And I am working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I had to make the very difficult decision about a week in that I would have to put the kids in school when I get out. The expectation is 90 meetings in 90 days when I get out of here and there was no way I would be able to do that and homeschool. It was a very difficult decision to make… but once I made the decision, everything fell into place and I got a lot lighter. The kids will start school in the next few weeks and they are SO excited!! I had no idea how much they wanted to be in school. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that maybe our family isn’t meant to be a homeschooling family. Anytime I try, the kids end up back in school… and they are always super happy about it. They will be going to Rocksprings Elementary. The bus picks them up at the end of our dirt road, so it’s not a ton of driving them to school.
I will be driving an hour and fifteen minutes one way, 5 days a week to go to AA. I will do AA online on the weekends. I will see a counselor twice a week to do EMDR (I’m not even sure what it stands for). I’ve been told many times that it’s one of the best forms of therapy for dealing with loss that I have been stuffing with alcohol for years.
The biggest thing that I’ve learned is that I CANNOT take another drink. In any form. It will immediately lead to a relapse, and I will end up back here (which I cannot afford, so it’s not an option! ha!). It’s also a disease that I cannot help. It’s part of my DNA. It started the moment I took my first drink. I am powerless to alcohol.
Please be praying for me and my family as I finish up my time here! I would appreciate it greatly!