December 13, 2016 by Courtney
I have been doing their Strength Circuit exercises and I really like them because they are short and effective.
I’ve been eating well. I eat homemade granola over homemade Greek yogurt for breakfast (and sometimes a green smoothie). I eat deli meat or cottage cheese, bag full of veggies (this week it’s broccoli, carrots, bell peppers, cucumbers, celery, and grape tomatoes) with hummus, Triscuits (10 in a snack baggie), boiled egg, and Tillamook cheddar (a little bit) for lunch. Dinner is something homemade. Tonight is homemade pasta sauce over whole wheat pasta and steamed broccoli with lemon pepper and sea salt. I eat unhealthy sometimes, but I feel that balance is important. Restricting isn’t good for long-term health.
I do have my coffee with half and half and Pyure and sugar (less than a tsp of each), and I drink Coke Zero, but these are just a few things that are self care for me because I enjoy them. I’m not willing to let go of them right now (maybe eventually).
So I wrote all of this in my HHHM group and I was immediately greeted with the fact that my sobriety needs to be first priority, not weight loss. Some people said that I have an obsession with weight and that’s not healthy. Some people said that the best thing to do is focus on just sticking with these habits for now and keep trucking.
I realized by reading these comments that I really do STILL have an obsession with my weight. I haven’t been necessarily JUST doing these healthy things for self care, but also for weight loss.
I had a friend take this picture, and all I can see is that I am the biggest I’ve ever been.
I don’t know how I got to this point. It’s frustrating.
This is a picture of me about 3 years ago… in the same shirt.
But the ladies in my HHHM group are so right. #1 Sobriety, #2 Self care as part of my sobriety, and #3 learn to love myself as is. That’s all right now.
One lady said that my family wants me more with a little bit of fluff and sober than skinny and drinking. She’s right!
I have decided that my obsession with weight is something I need to address with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is something that I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. Even at my thinnest I thought I was fat and wanted to lose weight! When I looked at pictures of myself I was disgusted. I still feel that way.
I want to learn to love myself as is, no matter my weight, but it’s so much easier said than done!
I think I’ll get there between this group and my counselor. One day at a time.
So right now I’m focusing on sobriety, self care, and loving myself. Anything else is just extra!