January 19, 2017 by Courtney
My weekends are amazing (I’m usually very productive and feel great… and the kids and I have bonding time) and my week days are hard. I’m trying to learn to accept that. I’m only going to town 2 days a week from now on. Going to town takes so much energy and makes me tired.
Even staying home is hard. I desperately miss homeschooling (I loved it despite the anxiety that it brought me) and evenings are so hard… with homework (lots of protest and sometimes tears), exhausted kids, emotions about school, etc. I hope it gets easier over time.
I have been chairing an AA meeting on Wednesdays (12 Steps and 12 Traditions), and I’ve enjoyed that. I just wish I didn’t live so far from town. Tomorrow is 100 days sober!
I also processed through the rest of my AA Step 6, which took some energy. It was good… just exhausting. My sponsor is so good. She helps me see things in a different way and pushes me to be my best. I’m working on making some changes with my perfectionism, and the first thing is that I’m working on letting the kids have things in the living room. I always like a spotless living area so this is taking me a lot to let go. Of course some structure is good so they have to clean up before bed. I feel that’s a good compromise. This picture is what it looked like to have a “messy” living area. The kids did bring out some Legos after this, but they cleaned them up quickly when I told them it was time for bed!
This is what it looks like now! It took 5 minutes to clean up.
On another note… I received a lot of new information yesterday. I am processing it so I’m not ready to blog about it yet (and probably won’t ever, actually). It has to do with abuse and death of a family member (other than my brother… I’ve shared about his suicide a lot on my blog). It’s all so raw and difficult to process. I asked for the info, but I probably should have waited to ask till it’s closer to the day I meet with my new counselor (she can’t meet until February 1st because she will be out of town next week). I’ll survive, though. It’s good to know the info so I can process it in counseling.
The one thing that I realized yesterday is that I have such a victim mentality. I know why, but I need to learn to fight through that. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. Encouragement is nice, but pity isn’t. I often seek pity and that’s not healthy. I’m working on this.
I’m also going to read this book again. My friend that is a counselor suggested it when I was going through hyperventilation syndrome last spring. I started reading it, but I never finished so I’m going to start over.
I have so much anxiety in the evenings. I hate that because all community events (here at camp) happen in the evenings. And dinner in the dining hall (we didn’t end up going this week at all and there were meals every night this week).
That’s when I drank. Lots in the afternoon/evenings. It helped quiet the anxiety. I would also drink before community events which helped with social anxiety. Obviously none of that was healthy. I need to find a better way.
My old psychiatric PA didn’t question my drinking. He just said that it’s common among people who have anxiety. I would tell him how much I drank and he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. Hello?! It would have helped me so much to hear from a medical professional that I needed to get help! I have all of the signs of alcohol use disorder and he didn’t know! AND, drinking while on the meds that I’m on is stupid and dangerous. I know all of this now, but in the middle of it, I didn’t process it.
Another thing is that I’m wondering if I have been having symptoms of my bipolar 2 and didn’t know it because the symptoms didn’t last long. Like rapid cycles or something. I found out last week when I saw my new psychiatrist that the birth control affects my Lamictal (one of my bipolar meds). She took me off of it, but this past week I have had lots of ups and downs, so we’ll see what happens. I had what I think was hypomania on Sunday and Monday. Not much sleep, got a TON done around the house (more than the normal person… see my posts from Sunday and Monday), and just felt more energetic than normal. Then these past few days I have been feeling down again. Obviously the symptoms aren’t as bad and don’t last long, but it’s still more pronounced than a normal day.
Anyway… lots of stuff to process. Yuck. I am hopeful, though, that through all of this processing (and EMDR treatment) I will come out a stronger, more confident, less anxious and depressed person.
Don’t feel sorry for me, but I love encouragement! Reminding me that God will help me through it, and He’s always been there! Even (and especially) through the thick of it. I spent some time praising Him this morning and he reminded me that He is there. He’s got this. Reminding me that I am a strong person and I can get through anything with the strength of Christ, His grace, and His peace! Thank you!