January 23, 2017 by Courtney
I have talked about this here, but I am in the process of trying to get disability. I have tried to work so many times and had to quit because of severe depression, severe anxiety, and panic attacks. I couldn’t function.
I tried on my own and was denied. I waited to long to appeal, so I had to start over again and tried going through a company called Allsup.
I was denied again so now I’m appealing through a lawyer. They wouldn’t have taken me as a client if they thought I would be denied because they don’t get paid unless I win. I am meeting with a psychologist on February 1st for them to determine that I really have the mental illnesses that I say I have.
This is the hard part. I’ve done this before with a doctor and he said I didn’t have bipolar. I have been diagnosed 5 times by psychiatrists and my previous counselor agreed. But. Sometimes I wonder if I actually have bipolar. Bipolar 2 is so hard to understand.
They say I have hypomania when I am extremely productive and energetic (exercising 2 hours a day, which is uncommon for me… baking/making 10 things in a day… having a spotless house… laundry caught up… playing with kids… etc, all in one day, and this lasts for several weeks). I also have less need for sleep.
Then, it’s followed by a crash. After the extreme productiveness and lots of energy for a few weeks, I get really, really depressed.
Of course this has all been less extreme since I started taking bipolar meds, so I guess it’s true that I have bipolar. Now to convince someone who’s job it is to say I don’t have bipolar.
I know that God is in control and is sovereign. I trust that if I’m supposed to receive disability I will. If not, then I’m done trying. We will be fine if I don’t receive it… it would just really help.
I hate that I can’t work. I would love to be able to. I have been told by the lawyer’s office that I can even choose to work 15-20 hours (max $1000 per month) even with disability. I’m not sure I can even do that. I have tried to work an at home, online, part time job (as the editor of To Save a Life) and couldn’t do it. That was a dream position, and I couldn’t handle it! That is so frustrating to me.
Just before I took this position, I think I was hypomanic. It made me think I could handle a job. Then, the depression hit while I was working. And I was having extreme anxiety and panic attacks.
Now I have been diagnosed with alcohol use disorder on top of that. So I’m fighting a lot of things every day. My “job” is self care. If I don’t take care of myself, then I can’t function for my family.