Doing What’s Best Even When I Don’t Wanna

Saturday I thought I had made the decision to bring the boys home.  Then I had a conversation with Robert yesterday that made me change my mind again.  I have been back and forth for a week, but I think the conversation solidified some things for me.

You see, my mental illness will never go away.  This is a life-long battle.  Medication helps a TON.  But it’s not perfect.  I will still have bad days and weeks.

The boys are at an age in which I will need to really be there to walk them through everything (second and third grades).  I will have to work on reading comprehension and fluency, do writing with them, spelling, help them with math, and probably grammar too.  Also we would need to do history and science together where as Karis can do it on her own mostly (except we do the labs together).

Other things to consider…

Ethan throws bad tantrums when he’s home (though I’ve learned what consequences work and it has gotten much better).  He has had perfect behavior at school.  He hasn’t gotten in trouble once.  He has also gone from a first grade level in reading to a fourth grade level.  I’m just not meant to teach my kids how to read.  He does better with being around other kids.  He’s a social butterfly.  He thrives on competition.

Levi does fine either way; I wouldn’t want to just bring him home and have Ethan there by himself.  Since he does great with school as well as home, it just makes sense for them to do the same thing.

Today, I’m pretty sure we will leave them in school for a while.  I think we’ll bring them home in fifth and sixth grades (because I don’t want to send them to middle school there).  We may bring them home the year after next, but I just know I can’t handle them home yet (except for summer where they have freedom to play outside all day).

I need some time to grow stronger.  I need more time to work on my sobriety.  I need self care to be priority.  I can do that with just Karis home.  She is mostly independent.

If I wait till the boys in fifth and sixth grades, they will be independent.  They will have grown into strong readers.  They will have a lot of background knowledge that will make things easier.

Also.  Robert and I talked about the fact that they have had so much change and it would be good to just have things the same for a while.  They need that consistency.

They want to be home, but I just don’t think that’s best.  I also feel guilty for just homeschooling Karis and sending them to school and I just want all of my kids home, but those aren’t good reasons to homeschool.

I’m not locking myself into this decision (per Robert’s request), but this is where I’m leaning.  I’m going to sit with this for a while and see if the peace that I have about it continues.  The waiting is hard for me.  I want to have a decision today that I can move forward with, but that’s not what is going to happen this time.

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