April 11, 2017 by Courtney
This past week was lllooonnnggg. I had bad anxiety and I could barely see past it. I was pretty selfish through it and have had to repair a few things. I’m grateful for the grace of people in my life because I can be a self-centered person at times. I guess we all can, but I hate that about myself.
Anxiety is a liar. It tells me that people don’t like me, that they don’t want to be in my life, that they are annoyed, that I’m a burden, and that I’m more flawed than everyone else (I recognize that we are all flawed, but I feel more flawed). It tells me that I’m never going to get better and that I’m going to live with this terrible anxiety for the rest of my life (I have seen a psychiatrist every month or two for several years). It also has me obsessing over things.
Seeing my counselor yesterday was just what I needed. She helped me work through things that have been sitting in my brain for a while.
We also realized that a lot of my issues last week were hormones and lack of sleep.
I stopped taking birth control because it affects the effectiveness of my Lamictal (one of the meds I take for bipolar). Apparently it cuts the effectiveness in half. I’m taking 400mg (max dose), and she said that it’s like I’m taking 200mg. So I followed her instructions.
Unfortunately, ever since I stopped, my PMS has been terrible. For 5 or so days I can barely function. I told her last month, and she just put me on another bipolar med. Thing is, I’m great 25 out of 30 days. I am seeing her today and I’m going to tell her that it’s not from my bipolar, it’s from hormones. I’m praying that she listens to me and helps me work through what I need to do to keep this from happening. I can’t live like that.
Now to what I’m grateful for…
🌼a fantastic counselor that tells me what I need to hear
🌼a husband and friends that put up with my crazy
🌼making a decision about something that has been on my mind 24/7 for a week and a half
🌼my wonderful kids that are thriving where they are
🌼the opportunity to homeschool my girl
Yesterday I wrote about the boys and homeschooling.
I talked with my counselor about everything and we worked through it. We made a pros/cons list.
Factors for Ethan and Levi to stay in public school:
- Robert wants them to stay in school.
- Cost of curriculum (it would be an additional $350 or more to bring them home, and we just don’t have that because of my medical costs)
- The boys are thriving where they are.
- It is stressful for me to homeschool them (I had a lot of anxiety).
- I need to focus on my self care.
- I need to focus on Karis.
- The kids need consistency. They have had change every single year.
- Ethan needs structure that I can’t offer.
- Our office/school room is tiny and will only fit Karis and me (totally silly, and I just added that myself today)
Factors to homeschool the boys:
- Ethan and Levi want to.
- I want to.
- The boys wouldn’t have to get up at 5:30am every day.
- They would have a much shorter school day (currently they leave at 6:20 and get home at 4:30).
- I want them home with me instead of 40 minutes away.
- We would have more flexibility in our schedule.
Clearly the decision is obvious. The factors to homeschool them are not as important as the factors to keep them in school. There is a lot more weight on the side of keeping them in public school.
I’m going to keep that list in my desk so that every time I think about wanting to homeschool I can look at it and remember.
The plan is to keep them in school until Ethan is in junior high (and Levi is in 5th grade), then bring them home. By then they will be much more independent, their behavior won’t be as big of a deal, and I will have almost all the curriculum that they would need from Karis. Karis will also be in high school and completely independent (hard to believe!).
Of course we will keep an open mind and re-evaluate again next spring. We want to take it a year at a time, and make sure to leave them in school for a year.
I feel like I have grown up through all of this. It has helped to have a husband and a counselor help me to see the big picture and what is most important. And a good friend to remind me that the decision is mine and Robert’s only.
Hopefully I’ll have more peace now. I do right now, but I take one moment at a time.
On another note, yesterday was 180 days sober! I got my 6 month chip!