April 20, 2017 by Courtney
Gosh. The last few days have been ROUGH. There were several things up in the air. And I decided to re-address the idea of bringing the boys home next year.
I realized something yesterday. Two weeks ago I was extremely anxious to the point of being on the verge of a panic attack for days. I thought it was because I needed to be back on birth control (because it really does help with anxiety and mood… from past experience). So I made an appointment with my doc to get back on. A few days later, I felt better (I haven’t started it… the only thing is that maybe the pros/cons list about homeschooling the boys helped).
Fast forward to Tuesday of this week. I found out that there was a small possibility of us moving to a different house here at camp, but it was up in the air. Then I decided to think that maybe I CAN homeschool the boys next year and maybe I need to do a trial run over the summer and see how we handle it.
Yesterday was extremely rough for me. I was processing it and still trying to make a final decision. I was back to being extremely anxious and on the verge of a panic attack. I couldn’t think straight, my brain was foggy, upset stomach, racing heart; I couldn’t think of anything else. I told Robert last night that I needed to take a Xanax (which I’m not allowed to take anymore because it’s addictive, and I’m an addict).
Through my severe anxiety I realized something. The last time I had this anxiety (2 weeks ago), I was also trying to decide whether or not I should homeschool the boys. Then the same thing happened yesterday. That right there gave me my final answer. I’m just not ready. As soon as I made my decision to keep them in school, my anxiety lifted.
Then I told the boys that they will be in school next year. I thought I would get tears, anger, frustration, “whys,” but they just said okay and moved on!
Robert and I talked about how because I didn’t take Xanax, I was able to process why I was having such extreme anxiety. If I were to take it, I would just be numb, and I wouldn’t have processed it.
Robert was happy that I came to this conclusion. One of the big things that he wants is consistency for the boys and for me. We have never had it… not one year has had consistency. It’s been rough for everyone involved. Next year will be one of routine and normalcy. The boys will go to school, we will stay in our wonderful little home, Karis will be homeschooled, my focus will be on teaching her (she’s really independent so this doesn’t take much at all) and self care. I will continue working on being sober (and AA), loving my self as is (continuing to focus on intuitive eating), having routine in my day, my blog, loving my family, keeping a clean home for my family (along with the kids’ help), counseling 2-4 times a month (including some EMDR mixed in), Bible study, prayer, being a good friend, serving here at camp, and more. Just continuing what I’m doing now (and maybe being a little better at things as I start to feel better). What I’m doing now is a full time job. Any more is too much at this point!
Today has been fabulous. I have zero anxiety. I am joyful and full of energy! I have motivation and a desire to do things around the house again. I even dried my hair and put on makeup today. I hardly ever wear makeup anymore. It feels good :-).
I read while Karis read (on the porch). This is my new routine. I have a book a month that I want to read.
I learned so much! I’m very encouraged.
“In recent years, myriad research projects have demonstrated unequivocally that diets do not work. Of those people who go on diets, ninety-five to ninety-eight percent regain their weight, plus some. Diets make us fatter. Diets turn us into compulsive eaters. Diets make us sick!
Why do we keep engaging in an activity that both harms us and fails us time and again? Why do we continue to cling to the promise of diets despite documentation that the more we restrict food, the more desperate we become, and the more we eat? Why on earth haven’t women put the diet industry out of business?”
Then a woman in a group that I’m in wrote this:
“It’s amazing to me that women (and men) continue to restrict their caloric intake to such extreme levels.
The diet industry thrives on failure and it’s perfectly set up for it. You restrict calories and your body goes into starvation, holding onto every calorie you eat. Then when you stop dieting your body is primed with a slow metabolism since it doesn’t know when/if you’ll starve it again. So you gain the weight back (and then some) and eventually begin yet another diet.
It’s such a brutal cycle. How awesome would the world be if we gave up diets, had things we enjoy in moderation, and made healthy lifestyle choices without restricting ourselves?”
I’m just feeling at such peace today and feel like I can move forward with life and be me! I’m doing what I love!