April 28, 2017 by Courtney
Words aren’t my friend right now so bare with me.
A little over 7 years ago my brother died by a gruesome suicide. A few months later I had Levi and went through terrible postpartum depression and anxiety. My life has never been the same.
3 years ago I was suicidal for the first time and ended up inpatient at a mental health facility. A few months later I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and generalized anxiety disorder.
The past several years have had many ups and downs. I have been in outpatient therapy and most recently was in a treatment center for alcoholism.
I have spent so much of my time advocating for myself and others with mental illness. I got the above tattoo (not quality work, but I still like it) almost 2 years ago to represent that (check out Project Semicolon to learn more about the symbol).
Today, I’m not doing well.
I was worried that homeschooling Karis again was the cause of my anxiety, but Robert and I have pretty much determined that it is in fact my medication.
I am feeling hopeless. The medication that I cannot afford is what is best for me and no other meds have worked like it. In fact, the one I’m on not only doesn’t work as well, I really feel that it is the cause of my anxiety.
Yesterday I wrote on Facebook that I was no longer going to share about my mental illness because I’m tired of being “known” for mental illness. If they wanted to read about it, they could go like my FB page. Then today I woke up with anxiety again, and I asked for prayers on FB.
A lot of people commented and messaged me. I felt guilty for doing what I said I wouldn’t do, so I deleted my post.
I’m so tired. Tired of being the needy one. Tired of being the one that is always struggling. Tired of being the one that is a drain to others. Tired of being the one that is too open. Tired of being the one that focuses on herself so much. Tired of being a mess all the time. Tired of being tired.
I don’t know what the future of sharing looks like. I want to be an advocate, but I also don’t want people to only think of mental illness when they think of me. I want them to see the other parts of me, too. On the days when my mental illness is winning, it’s hard for me to see the other parts of me let alone share those things with the world. I have noticed myself not sharing as much when I don’t share about my mental illness. I’m not sure why that is. I think the biggest thing is that I’ve convinced myself that a part of me is me.
Every time I think I’m going to post now, I have to put a lot of thought into it. I think I’m on a new journey of learning who I really am (with and without my mental illness). We’ll see where this leads me.
I will probably always be vulnerable on here because that is what my blog is about. It’s my outlet. If anyone wants to, they can come read this instead of me complaining all of the time on Facebook.