This past week was lllooonnnggg. I had bad anxiety and I could barely see past it. I was pretty selfish through it and have had to repair a few things. I’m grateful for the grace of people in my life … Continue reading
Today we had choir, then lunch, games, and an Easter egg hunt at First Baptist in Rocksprings. It was a great time!
I had to buy groceries at our local small grocery store called Lowe’s Market this week because I won’t have time tomorrow when I’m in Kerrville (I get out of counseling just in time to leave to pick up the kids from the end of our 8 mile dirt road).
Groceries are a little more expensive at Lowe’s so I had to limit what I bought because my grocery budget is really small this check.
- Potatoes (10lbs)
- Broccoli crowns (3)
- Cabbage (1)
- Baby carrots
- Zucchini (2)
- Yellow squash (2)
- Onions (2)
- Grape tomatoes
- Lime juice
- Flour tortillas (2)
- Shredded cheese (1lb)
- Block cheese (8oz)
- Half and half
- Greek yogurt (5)
- Mini pizzas
- Corn dogs
- Country pork ribs
- 1lb ground beef
- Hamburger buns
- Caffeine free Diet Pepsi (the didn’t have Coke Zero)
- Whole wheat bread
All of this was $94. The only things I will have to buy the next 2 weeks will be more sodas, and maybe more bread. We are eating in the dining hall a lot and we still have quite a bit of food here.
This week has been one with many ups and downs. Robert has been working till like midnight/1:00 every night so I haven’t been going to sleep till right before then. And we have been getting up just as early (about 5:30).
It has also been a very high anxiety week.
I barely remember Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I had a crazy argument with someone in a homeschool used curriculum group and she ended up “reporting me” to the admin (for just trying to get her to give me a tracking number). It turned out that she was in the wrong, but it caused me extreme anxiety. A few other things happened that day that just made it worse.
Yesterday was another rough day because I keep listening to people about how I should do things and it has had me going back and forth about things multiple times a day.
Last night my good friend and neighbor suggested that maybe it’s time to stop listening to outside opinions and make a decision based on what Robert and I feel is best for our family.
It all started coming together. I had the same conversation the day before with my dietitian. We talked about why it’s difficult for me that I’ve gained weight, and it all comes down to me caring too much what other’s think about me (or what I think they think).
These important people in my life being straight with me is just what I needed. Today was better with anxiety; though, I was really tired all day. I also had a headache all day.
Tonight I’m just tired of the brain that I have. It’s so hard living with mental illness.
The big decision that has been weighing on me is this desire to homeschool all of my kids again but not being sure if that’s best for them or me. A few people have had very strong opinions about this, and I even had one person block me on Facebook when I told her I needed to stop seeking outside opinions (and she was annoyed with me that I was so back and forth). Luckily it was just an online friend, but I’m sad because we talked curriculum all the time. Not many people want to talk curriculum with me. It’s probably for the best, though. It’s just one more area where I feel like I have failed and I’ve been rejected.
Today I’m leaning towards homeschooling the boys, but it has changed a lot so I still have a lot of praying to do!
Robert is on call tonight and I decided to stay up for him and listen for the radio so he can at least attempt some sleep. He has only gotten like 4 hours of sleep a night and working 18 hour days. I’m pretty exhausted myself, but I just sit most of the day so I can handle it. Plus, I can sleep in tomorrow and he can’t.
I could use some prayers as I navigate things, make decisions, and learn how to not take in others’ opinions. Also pray that I will ride this wave of anxiety and come out stronger tomorrow.
I forgot to publish this last night! I ended up going to sleep at about midnight, but I slept till 9:00! I woke up feeling refreshed and my headache is dull today (still kind of there but much better).
Today we are being lazy because starting tomorrow through Wednesday we will be VERY busy.
I’m enjoying looking at what curriculum I would need to buy if we decided to homeschool the boys again. I want to see how much it will cost us to see if it’s possible. I’m going to try to do a lot of things myself. Reading comprehension, fluency, etc will be done with ways that I taught reading in the past, free resources, and some things I have bought on Teachers Pay Teachers.
I’m excited about the possibility! I just have to keep praying because we plan to keep them home from now on if we bring them home as to not keep changing things for them. We need to have some stability because their lives have been kind of crazy.
As much as I plan to stay out of rehab, a relapse is always possible as an alcoholic. Hospitalization for mental illness is also always a possibility. I have to have a back up plan if any of that happens. I have to make sure I can handle having more to do each day which will reduce my self care. I have to have a back up plan for bad days. My neighbor suggested a “bad day box” as a back up plan. Just have activities that they can do without me. I also plan to try to do as many independent things as I can.
I honestly think having purpose each day will help my depression. It already has with homeschooling Karis.
The only reason I put the kids back in school was because of having to go to AA when I got out of rehab. I didn’t want to put them in school at all. They were not thrilled about going back to school. I will say, though, that Ethan has been doing really well, and I have to take that into consideration. His behavior has been better, his reading level went up a lot, and he does well with competition. Levi will do fine either way. They both want to be home.
I have time, and I won’t say on here till May what our decision is. We won’t tell them till after they are out for the summer and I don’t want them to find out from someone else. They know we are praying about it and have taken their desires into consideration.
My day started at 5:15. I love waking up early these days. I got up, made coffee, woke up the boys, helped them get ready, did my Bible study, planned my day, ate breakfast, and did dishes all before 8:30.
I hung some stuff up in the school room. I found a map and decided to hang a frame to make less white space. It feels more cozy now.
We did school (mostly independent but I worked with her on some things such as writing, grammar, and spelling).
I did my AA step work for the day and read handouts and listened to audios from my dietitian.
Next up is online AA.
Lots of hard work and self care!
What is your plan for this beautiful Monday? How will you take good care of yourself?
We were planning to go to church today but we all overslept. We had major storms last night and didn’t sleep great, then it was dark till late so it seemed earlier than it was. Robert usually wakes up early so we never set alarms on Sundays. I guess we should have. Oh well.
We started the day with worship online (Preston Trail Community Church). That was great.
Then, I was watching videos on how to teach Karis’ writing and had a thought. What if the boys would be willing to join back together and share a room again?
Since I started homeschooling again I have had to use a corner of my room for a school area.
I desperately wanted a school room and an office again.
I was pleasantly surprised, and they were excited about it! So we got to work and joined their two rooms and made school room/office again!
It took us hours to weed through Ethan’s room and closet. It was a disaster. He always made it seem clean, but there was junk everywhere under his bed and in his closet.
So now their room/closet is organized!
This is our school room/office!
We also did some organizing in Karis’ room since we took the desk back out of her room. She cleaned out from under her bed and the corner which was all FULL of trash and junk. We haven’t touched her closet yet because it will take a full day to organize it’s so full of junk.
Then I got some veggies ready for the week and made protein banana muffins.
We ended the day together watching Rogue One and eating “finger foods.”
I would say today was productive, and I’m very happy with how things turned out. I will sleep good tonight!