Back and Forth, Anxiety, Back and Forth

Yesterday was rough.  At the end of the day, I wrote this on Facebook:

“I had another day of terrible anxiety (it’s still bad) and all of the things that I thought I could fight for and will to happen are crashing down around me. A few days ago I was in the belief that I could homeschool the boys again and even start running again (and lead others to do this as well), and I’m realizing that I just don’t have it in me right now. A few days of “strength” aren’t actually strength. It’s an allusion. I’m realizing that wanting something bad enough isn’t enough. I need to learn to be content with where things are because maybe this is the best I can do. I HATE MENTAL ILLNESS.”

I thought that I needed to decide not to homeschool.  I thought that’s what was causing me anxiety.  Then when I woke up still anxious this morning and couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I shouldn’t have made a decision yet, I realized that what was really causing me anxiety was seeking outside advice again about homeschooling the boys.  And trying to make a decision NOW instead of just waiting till I feel 100% that we’ve made the right decision.

Yesterday morning I was obsessing about a pros and cons list.  Then I went onto a couple of my homeschooling groups and asked them what they thought about me homeschooling the boys again.  Everyone basically made me feel like I’m dumb and selfish to want to homeschool them again and that they are better off in school because I’m an alcoholic with mental illness.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day.

The anxiety got worse as the day passed by.  I was thinking terrible thoughts about myself and how I will never be able to do what I really want because I’m mentally ill and an alcoholic.  As if it’s my fault.

I just *knew* they were right and needed to just let go of my dream.

Now, today I’m not saying I need to go the other direction and homeschool.  Logically I will most likely keep them in school.  But.  I need to know that I didn’t make a decision based on what others think.

Ultimately even if I decide to keep them in school, it’s not because they are “right.”  It’s because that’s what God wants for our family.

I’m going to try my hardest to just let go of this decision altogether for now.  I keep thinking that I have made a decision and I feel good for a bit, then I get anxious.  Then I go the other direction and feel good for a bit, then I get anxious again.  Clearly God doesn’t want me to make a decision yet.  I’m so bad at waiting, but I think that’s what He’s telling me to do right now.

Shoot, I have anxiety about waiting, too.  This whole situation is just one mass of anxiety for me.  I don’t really know what to do with it.  It’s stuff like this that makes me think I have straight up OCD.  I’m obsessing about it constantly (and have for a few months!).

I’m ready for summer!  A few more weeks and the boys will be home and we’ll be busy.  I need to be busy.

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