Obsession, Anxiety, Panic, Perfectionism, and Fear

When I was diagnosed with ALL of the anxiety areas by the psychiatrist in the treatment center, I wasn’t surprised.

I have a history…

When I was in high school, I would obsess over assignments and constantly meet with my teachers about it.  I wanted everything to be perfect and it didn’t come naturally to me so I would obsess.

After I had Karis and she cried ALL the time, I kept trying different bottles thinking I needed to find one that didn’t cause gas (because that’s what I thought was happening).  I bought almost every kind of bottle that there was available at the time, and whole sets!  Not just one bottle try.

Then came natural living… oh natural living…

The obsession over eating natural, organic, and grass fed/pastured meat and eggs.

The obsession over making EVERYTHING from scratch… homemade bread, tortillas, breakfast foods, yogurt.

Grinding my own flour.

Trying to eat raw, Paleo, etc.

All natural products (shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, toothpaste, etc).

BPA free and no plastic.

Cloth diapers.

Homemade baby food.

Doing everything I could to breastfeed and causing myself anxiety and depression over it despite the fact that I had insufficient glandular tissue and could NOT produce much milk (at all).  Supplemental nursing system, herbal tinctures (so gross!), pumping constantly, nursing for hours on end.  All because it was the “natural” thing to do.

Spending SO much money on all of this and not really having the money to do that.

Young Living Essential Oils even though they didn’t work and I hated them.

Herbal supplements instead of the medication that I so desperately needed.

Homebirth… expecting everyone else to want to have homebirth like me because it’s the “best” way to have a baby.

And then there’s the working out obsessively.  Two hours a day.

Dieting.

Then there’s the obsession with the “other side” in “body positivity.”

 

I am thankful that I have come to a place of balance with these things, and honestly some of these things I have let go, which has really helped me a ton!

The Healthy Habits, Happy Moms group (and Balance 365 program group) has helped me SO much in the area of food, exercise, how I view myself, and finding balance in all of these things.  It has changed my life!  It also is helpful in helping me do scientific research on things instead of just believing everything that I read in a blog post.

I’m learning to figure out where I fit in all of this.  Of course it has taken a lot of time and effort to get to this point, but I’m finally here and it feels good!

 

Now.

What could I be obsessing about now?  What is causing me anxiety and panic?  What am I trying to be perfect at?  Do I even have to tell you?  Haha.

Homeschooling!

 

A lot of the obsession comes because of excitement!  I LOVE homeschooling and I am in love with the new curriculum that I have found!  Especially the Brave Writer Lifestyle.  Charlotte Mason philosophy.  Fun, new, and exciting things!

Yesterday I had a panic attack over… science!  I have been wanting to do shiny “new” thing and allow the kids to have a say in what they learn instead of doing the Apologia Astronomy curriculum that I have!  I assumed that they didn’t like it because it’s a textbook.  So I was going to use all of the science books that I have to create fun units!  Then I felt anxiety because maybe that’s not “enough” for Karis.  Maybe she needs more because she’s in 6th grade!

Then… I finally actually asked them what THEY want to do, and they chose Apologia Astronomy!  All of that anxiety over NOTHING.

 

A few things that I’m learning…

  • I don’t have to be a purist in any homeschooling/teaching philosophy.  I can pick and choose what works for us!
  • So what if something that we do doesn’t fit the Charlotte Mason philosophy (like using a textbook for science)
  • I really need to keep things simple this year…
  • NO MORE CHANGES (I probably need to write that on my marker board and look at it every time I think about making a change… or just print this blog post and hang it on my bulletin board!)
  • I have been fearing things that I have no reason to fear… the idea that I *need* to get the kids ready for college, the idea that I have all of the control and I need to do something perfectly so that they kids aren’t “behind” or struggling, and the fear of what others think.

I know I write a lot of posts like this, but it’s my way of processing through my anxiety.  In the past, I would drink and/or take Xanax when I had bad anxiety or panic, but now I have to feel the anxiety and work through it.  It’s a LOT of hard work.

I’m thankful that God is helping me through this hard stuff.  He knows what I need, he helps me process, he is teaching me to let some things go and keep things simple, and he loves me the way that I am.  He also puts people in my life to help me process and work through the anxiety.  And to tell me that I need to “chill,” “calm down,” “stop over-thinking,” or “let it go.”

I will always have anxiety, but the more I work through it, the easier it will be for me to deal with!

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