Feeling Defeated

When I started feeling better with-in a day of telling the boys that they would be going back to school I thought that was IT!  I wouldn’t struggle with hyperventilation syndrome (HVS) again.

To my disappointment, Friday night, I started struggling again :-(.  And this time I really have NO idea why.  I have been journaling and there are things that I’m anxious about, but it’s little things that aren’t a big deal (mostly).

I even considered that maybe I need to put Karis in school too, but Robert and I decided that it really is in her and my best interest for me to homeschool her.  She has bad social anxiety which does not go well with junior high in general, but especially in Rocksprings.  It’s a bit rough.  When she was in school her anxiety caused a major physical issue and I just don’t want to go there again.  The thought of going to school makes her break down.

Also, I got super, super depressed when all of the kids were in school.  Being with her each day will give me some purpose.  It’ll be good for our relationship :-).

So then what?

The things that I’m anxious about right now…

  • Money (always).  I suck at managing it and always feel bad for spending.
  • Wanting to get into a routine but it’s not completely possible right now for a few reasons… 1) We’re going to my parents’ this coming weekend, 2) The boys don’t start school till August 23rd.  It’s hard because we have been either prepping to travel, been out of town, or driving for hours and hours for a while now.  And before all of that I was struggling through each day of homeschooling.
  • Feeling overwhelmed by Balance 365.  I feel like I need to let it go for a long while and just focus on the habits that I’m already good at.  Then I feel guilty because someone paid for me to do the program.  Luckily it’s a life-long program, but I still feel bad.  I wrote a post several days ago about B365 and the list of habits that I will be working on and I started feeling anxious so I deleted it.  I feel like that kind of “got the ball rolling” on this issue again.  I’m not sure when I will learn to keep things super simple…
  • Trying to fit in AA, counseling, getting blood work done, etc on top of everything else right now.  With being out of town and going to my parents’ this coming weekend, trying to fit those things in is hard (since we live so far from town!).
  • My cough that has been going on and on… I have been feeling terrible, I missed out on a lot at family camp, and probably annoyed a bunch of people with my complaining (I have a hard time containing myself when I feel bad, which is often these days).  Luckily it has been much better today.  I’m hoping I’m on the upswing with the cough.
  • Feeling anxious about my anxiety.  I’m frustrated that my doctor had never heard of HVS, and she doesn’t really know what to do for me.  She just throws more meds at me every time I see her.  I worry that I will have to live with this forever.  Logically, I know that won’t happen.  But in the really hard moments, I can’t see past it.  I haven’t felt good physically in about a month and a half between HVS and my cough.  I don’t remember what it feels like to feel “good” or “normal.” My counselor doesn’t really know how to help me either and she had never heard of HVS.
  • I’m still sad about not having the boys home for school and getting back to getting up at 5:30 every day, picking them up every afternoon from the end of our 8 mile dirt road that takes 20-25 minutes to get down, and having them far away from me again.  The routine will be good, though, so I’m trying to remember that.
  • I’m sure there’s more…

Thing is, though, this is all normal stuff.  Not enough to cause HVS.  There’s no explanation for it.

I find myself thinking about it too much.  Which then makes it worse.  But I don’t know how to ignore it because I feel like I can’t get enough air.  It’s so hard to live with.  Today I spent all afternoon doing food prep and while I struggled throughout, it wasn’t as bad because I was distracted.  Staying busy helps a ton.  I’m going to do some more tomorrow.  And some cleaning.

I’m trying to remember in the hard moments that God has a plan for my struggles.  He has used them a lot already so I know he will continue.

This morning I started a new Bible study.  I’m so excited about it and I think it’ll really help my relationship with Him, which will hopefully help my anxiety.  I often have a hard time trusting Him with my mental illness because I’m frustrated that He allows me to suffer.  But I am working on building that trust again.  I miss Him.

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