September 17, 2017 by Courtney
I used to blog every day and now every time I sit at my computer to blog the words don’t come. I have so much on my mind, and I just don’t know how to get it out these days. So, this may seem scattered, but it is what it is.
I guess I will start with saying that I am doing much better than I was when I wrote my last post. My anxiety is continuing to get better (though I will always have some), my cough is getting better (after almost 3 months… and I finally decided to try Zyrtec and it’s helping… not 100% but getting better), my depression is lifting, my brain isn’t as foggy, I have more energy (but not as much as I would like… one day at a time)… For a week I had plans every single day and I had the energy and desire to follow through with those plans. I was out and about more here at camp. I will in town. Spending time with friends. Eating in the dining hall. Then I had a couple of rough days again and assumed that it would stay that way but it got (mostly) better. I really think I’m on the upswing. But. I’m still taking it one. day. at. a. time.
Also, I got a new AA sponsor that is amazing (she’s been sober for over 30 years). She is very responsive. We have met and we went over a few new resentments that I have. Oh that reminds me, I need to call her :-). Anyway. I also started going to AA every week again and doing online AA as well. Being more involved, working with my sponsor, and working the steps has helped me to have much less of a desire to drink. The obsession isn’t really there anymore. But still… taking it one. day. at. a. time.
I have been doing a lot of thinking and talking with a new friend (who I’m so thankful for!) about my story. Through talking with her, I think I’m going to devote some time to sharing my story on my blog. I have shared it in the past on a blog that I have deleted, and I have shared bits and pieces on here, but I think I want to be more detailed about things on here. As hard as it might be, I think it’ll also be cathartic and therapeutic.
On another note… For the first time in a long time I finally feel like we’ve hit a regular routine with the boys in school and Karis at home. I started hiking twice a week with a new friend. I have decided to stick with the same curriculum for Karis for the first time EVER and I’m actually not looking for something else (for now… math will have to change eventually because the one she’s using only goes through level 6). I have a routine of doing my food prep on Sundays and the kids clean the house (yes!!). We are starting back at church tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to that (but not looking forward to getting up early!). Things are settling and I’m so happy about that. I still take a nap most days, but maybe that will change over time. Of course I have a few friends here that nap most days so maybe it’s just a busy mom thing ;-).
I’m loving the Balance 365 Program. The habits that I have down are: Meal planning, meal prep, self care, and I am working on movement (along with always working on self love). It really helps that I have a hiking partner! I’m also doing the Power Bowl Challenge that Healthy Habits Happy Moms has put out. I’m enjoying the recipes. I only do like 3-4 per week and I’m okay with that. I do them in jars and it has made eating lunch so easy.
My BIG goal lately is to spend time with Jesus a little bit each day (in worship and by reading His word) and spend time doing some AA readings. I haven’t been consistent with this every day, but that’s okay. Progress, not perfection.
I wrote this on Facebook at like 5am this morning (when I couldn’t sleep):
“I have struggled with friendships as my mental illness has gotten worse over the years and now alcoholism is added to the mix. Most people don’t know what to say to me or what to do with me. Lots of people have unfriended me or unfollowed me on Facebook, and many friends have backed away from me over the years. I don’t need pity or someone to feel sorry for me. I need empathy and friendship like anyone else, and I need people to treat me like any other person. I need friends to just be willing to hang out or text or chat with me. I love to know about your heart, what you’re struggling with, what you’re excited about, what God is teaching you, or what you love to do. I need people to trust me with those things. Whether you’re an online friend, someone that I know in real life but I live far away from, or someone that I see often, I want your friendship. I am here. On messenger. Through text. In person with coffee and dessert. Over dinner. Over breakfast or lunch.
And some friends that I love and that love me but are far away, I miss you! It has been a long 8 or so years, and I want things to settle down for me. I want to spend more time on friendships! (Sorry if this sounds desperate. It’s not. I have just had this on my mind for a long time.)”
I had a lot of very sweet and receptive friends. I think sometimes things are bigger in my head than they really are. It was feeling really big really early this morning. I think I also need to come to terms with the fact that I’m not meant to be close friends with everyone. I need to be thankful for the people that I AM close friends with. It’s just that most of my close friends have been online or I haven’t seen them in a long time. It’s easier said than done.
Friendship is a weird thing.
Anyway, this coming week will be busy. Monday I’m going to town for AA. Tuesday and Thursday I am hiking with a new friend here in the morning, then homeschooling Karis. Wednesday I might be going to town for AA (we’ll see). And Friday Karis and I are going to town to do school at Starbucks, eat out, then buy groceries. Robert will be leaving Tuesday and will be out of town till Sunday which means I have to get up at 5:30 every day this week (he usually does the early mornings). I’m thankful for some busyness, though. It keeps me moving and keeps me from wallowing in self pity over things.
Here are a few pictures of the past few weeks.
Ethan did two bike races in one weekend here at camp. The first one he won third place! The second one he won 9th place.
I put makeup on for the first time in a while so I had to document it :-).
Karis and I went to town together last Friday and enjoyed lunch at Chili’s, Starbucks, and grocery buying together.
Levi played a game with me the other day (it has been a while!).
Life is hard, but God is good.