December 26, 2017 by Courtney
So much life has happened since the last time I posted. Lots of activities, Christmas events, doctor appointments, lots of driving, money spent, AA, difficulty with kids’ mental and physical health, my mental and physics health, and more.
Unfortunately I have been struggling again physically and mentally. I have had a lot of insomnia and sleeping most of the morning most days. When I lay down I cough more and have some other symptoms of reflux so it’s hard to get to sleep. I’m thinking that it will be time to see a specialist eventually but I need to get through the holidays. There are also some things I can try.
Robert and I had an amazing “date day” for our anniversary (14 years!) on the 20th. We took the kids out of school early, had brunch at our favorite restaurant in Rocksprings, then drove to Kerrville (our “big town”) to meet my dad for him to take the kids.
We went to see the Star Wars movie (which is my favorite so far), went out to eat, then went to Starbucks for coffee. We got in a lot of good conversation that we desperately needed to have.
Robert has been struggling too. I won’t go into all of that because it’s not my place to share. But my being sick for as long as I have been and being really needy, I really think he’s just worn out. Over the years there have been many seasons in which he would work all day, then come home and cook dinner then put the kids to bed. And do laundry, dishes, etc. There have been many seasons where that hasn’t been the case but the majority of this year has been really hard. I have felt a lot of hopelessness in the midst of my struggle. I was under the impression that by becoming sober life would be so amazing and much easier but that hasn’t been the case. The hard part has been learning to handle my mental illness without alcohol.
On our anniversary when we were talking, I realized that I have been living in the “poor me” and as a victim. Focusing on all of the hard and as if I have no say in how I live or feel.
On one hand, I can’t control all of my depression or anxiety. On the other hand, I do have some control. The biggest things that I can control are my self care, having regular routine and not spending all day in bed, choosing to do things outside of my comfort zone, and making the choice to spend time with others. Not just trying to comfort myself and being isolated.
I won’t make a list of all the things I plan to do, but I’ve decided that my word for the year is THRIVE. I’m tired of barely surviving.
I feel that I’m at the point of “mind over matter.” I am on lots of meds and for the most part they work well. I am at the point in which I can tell my brain to think a specific way and it may be hard, but I’m able to deal with things better because of this.
I also want to be in the Word (reading my Bible) regularly again. I have noticed a difference in how I think when I’m not.
Another Rocksprings citizen (my new sweet friend) and I will be starting an AA group in town, which is way out of my comfort zone! But I’m excited to be more part of the community and the beautiful thing is that it will be much less driving for me. One of the days that we plan to meet will be on choir day so I will already be there. There some super sweet people in that town. I’m looking forward to it. We’re going to meet on January 2nd to kick it off.
We have had a great Christmas season despite my issues!
Technically Christmas is over. I’ve been trying to get this post out for several days but it hasn’t happened. I’m hardly ever on my computer anymore which is a great thing considering I used to sit staring at my computer. This post was written using the WordPress app!
I’m so thankful for the people that God has put in my life… at camp, in Balance 365 (Healthy Habits Happy Moms), old friends, Rocksprings friends, Kerrville friends, and most of all my wonderful family!
Life is hard but it is so so good.