January 28, 2018 by Courtney
For someone that used to blog every day, it’s so odd that I rarely blog anymore. I don’t know why… I just seem to struggle with words these days. It’s frustrating.
My mood is up and down, my anxiety is pretty constant, and my insomnia makes it hard to get up in the morning. I sleep till like 11:30 most days, or if I wake up early (when the kids get up at 5:30 to go to school), I go back to sleep. I have felt somewhat hopeless lately (yet again). My friend reminded me last night that the good days are coming (because they always do), but sometimes I just get exhausted by the sheer difficulty of my days. I am jealous of those who are mentally healthy. I feel like I’m in a whining and complaining mood these days, but I need to get it out sometimes, ya know? I also need encouragement and reminders that I’m going to be okay.
I saw my psychiatrist on Friday. The visit went really well. First, I brought up the fact that I got my records from her office for disability and the generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis wasn’t on there. She immediately added it and said that she usually just includes the main diagnosis. That one for me is bipolar 2. She said that her office will fax my records right over to my lawyer’s office when they call. I also filled out the form for them to be able to do that. She thought that disability was a good idea. Oh, and I haven’t mentioned here that I have a hearing date: March 7th. It’s so soon! And I’m nervous. We really could use the money because of my medical costs and counseling costs. And driving to town for AA. Luckily I started an AA group closer to our house (still 40 minutes away, but not an hour and 20 minutes!). Of course so far it’s just 2 to 3 of us but that’s better than just me! I have really enjoyed having our own group. I feel like we can discuss what we want. My group in Kerrville was great but they are so strict.
Bipolar 2, severe anxiety, insomnia, and being an alcoholic are all wearing me down. I want to be able to pretend like I don’t have all of this in my brain but it is there. I can’t ignore it as much as I want to. It’s exhausting. I have a hard time keeping up with the house even though I am home alone all of the time. I have a hard time spending time with people. I feel like I’m not the greatest mom, wife, daughter, and friend right now. I am eating mostly sugar and carbs and not eating very much. I eat to just survive right now. I eat twice a day and often not very much.
And then there is the Balance 365 program that I’m in, and I feel like a failure of the program because I can never be consistent with any one habit. Then I want to do #allthethings and I get overwhelmed fast. Then I shut down. I am wondering if I need to take a step back right now and just focus on intuitive eating. Feeling like I have to meet some specific goal is hard for me right now. And I know, I know, they say that you can’t fail at the program. It’s self-paced. You get to pick and choose. It’s not a diet where I have to eat and exercise a certain way. But at this point I need to take a step back for my own mental health. I guess I am still “working the program” by focusing on self care and self love. Those are foundational in the program.
Now that I’m finished complaining, I will share the good stuff :-). Karis is doing sooooo well in school. She has some close friends and comes home most days saying she had the best day! The boys are having some issues, but I’m just going to be happy that she’s doing well considering I have been so worried about her mental health.
The weather is beautiful and it makes me happy to open the windows and light my “Rainy Spring” candle. It boosts my mood.
I spent a little bit of time with friends last week and went to AA both times even though I almost didn’t go Thursday night.
In a little bit I am going to go through the kids’ rooms and get rid of junk. For some reason their disaster is hard for me to handle. Any mess or clutter affects my anxiety. They are willing to help and are actually looking forward to having less stuff in their rooms, too. Robert is home today to help clean and do laundry.
This afternoon we are going to town to go to the park and have dinner with my parents!
We have filed our taxes and are getting a large refund! We will be able to put money in savings, do some work on our car, pay off medical bills, and we will all go to the dentist. God always provides. I don’t know why I get so anxious about money.
We have a comfortable home, plenty of food to eat, clothes to wash and put away, money for my medicine and doctor appointments, the kids see a counselor that charges based on a sliding scale and we don’t have to pay much; basically all of our needs are met. It’s very tight and we live pay check to pay check, but we at least have enough to pay for our needs. The only other time we have had that was when I was working full time.
Here are some pictures of the past few weeks that are positive and make me happy :-).
I went to the boys’ aware ceremony and they both got A’s and B’s. Levi also got perfect attendance for the 6 weeks and semester.
A few Mondays ago we went to town for work (Robert had to run several errands). We got to eat out (rare these days) and just enjoyed our time together.
Homemade granola and homemade vanilla honey Greek yogurt. Yum.
I found this picture of my brother holding Ethan when he was 5 months old and it made me happy. He loved his niece and nephew. It was so sad when he couldn’t really remember them after he did electric shock therapy. I wish he was here to see how they are now.
Also I got a new Happy Planner and it truly makes me happy. When I have a planned week it always turns out better.
Peanut butter pies for HAF home and friends over for dinner (hot dogs, raw veggies with ranch, and chips) :-).
Ethan made the “Love” out of rocks, I took a pic of the view out of our back window as the sun went down, and my tattoo reminds me that my story isn’t over yet (I’m going to have it touched up soon).
Last Monday was good. I got to spend time in prayer and worship, then I went on a long walk with a friend (and I remembered that I had these amazing Brooks running shoes!).
AA on Thursday night. It was just what I needed after a really rough, depressed day.
Yesterday I was sort of struggling so I lit my rainy spring candle, did some clean up in the living area, and opened a few windows. I just love the view out of our back windows. I also got to spend time hanging out with a friend and I had 7 kids here at one point playing the Wii and doing crafts :-). I definitely do better when I make myself be open to doing things out of my comfort zone.
In about 30 minutes we are headed to Kerrville to go to the park and have dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant with my parents. I got a random phone call from my dad this morning asking if he could buy our dinner :-). The high today is 67 and it’s bright and sunny. Perfect day for the park :-). Also it makes me happy that my mom is up for it since she just had surgery a little over a week ago.
People say that God has a plan and sometimes I doubt that. I struggle with faith and trust. But as I’m looking at these pictures I’m reminded that maybe part of His plan is to see Him with-in the struggle if that makes sense.
Life can be so hard, but there is a lot of good too. I just have to look for it.