Scared to Hope

2

February 26, 2018 by Courtney

scared to hope

I’ve been feeling good for about a month now.  My “feel good” time started out really strong with lots and lots of energy and motivation.  I really thought I was hypomanic but wasn’t sure.  I just kept going with it.  But also, when I started feeling good was just about 3-4 days after I started a new med.  I hoped that’s what was making me feel good.  Again, I wasn’t sure.

A month later, and I’m still feeling good.  This is just odd because I typically don’t feel good for very long.  Either I am struggling with severe anxiety, I’m hypomanic, or I’m depressed.  Just “feeling good” isn’t super common.  Sure, I have my good days, but this has lasted continuously for a month.  I can remember one day where I felt “down,” but it was because I was really tired and slept a lot.

Previous to this, I was pretty miserable.  I was pretty depressed.  I was sleeping all day, every day.  I wasn’t sleeping at night.  I was anxious.  My house was a complete disaster and there were always piles and piles of laundry.  I felt like I had no purpose in life and didn’t know what else to do with myself.  I just felt like that was my life from now on.

Part of this is because I put my kids in school and the homeschooling season is just over for our family.  Part of this was because I was so, so tired all the time.  I also have hypothyroid on top of my other issues.  Then I was just in a bad cycle of not sleeping at night and sleeping all day.  It’s hard to get out of that.  Now if I don’t sleep well, I try not to go back to sleep, and I end up sleeping better the next night.  If I do sleep during the day, it’s for like an hour, not 4 hours.

The hard thing for me right now is that I’m scared to hope too much.  I don’t want to assume that I’ll feel good consistently if that’s not reality.  I mean, everyone has bad days or “down” days, and I can handle that.  It’s the debilitating depression and severe anxiety that I cannot handle.  Well I guess I can handle it, but I really, really don’t want to.

I do have hope in Jesus, but I am also aware that He has never promised us an easy life and I know that perfection won’t happen till heaven.  In the mean time all I can do is take one day at a time and enjoy the good days.

2 thoughts on “Scared to Hope

  1. pendantry says:

    Like you, I suffer from depression. I’ve recently started new medication that seems to be having a positive effect; but I can’t be sure it’s not just because Spring is around the corner, here. I’ve been feeling ‘good’ for a couple of weeks, which is unusual for me. I feel like laughing sometimes, but, like you, I’m scared to because I can’t trust that it’s not just a transient thing :/

    Thanks for sharing!

    • Courtney says:

      I, too, have thought that maybe I’m feeling better because spring is coming. I live in southwest Texas and yesterday it got to 80 degrees. It was beautiful. But I guess all we can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy the good days! Then when the bad days come, we can look back and remember that the good is coming again! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog Author, Courtney

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 464 other followers

My Community

Blog Stats

  • 55,339 hits
Damon Ashworth Psychology

Helping people flourish

Everyday Miracles

Pregnancy and Childbirth Education

Tricia Trends

Trending by Faith, Guidance, and Coffee

The Happy Minimalist Girl

Lifestyle Blogger

lifecanbebeautiful

Sharing self help tips/advice/blogs on how to make your life beautifully positive!

Soul Searching

Psychology. Counselling. Mental Health. Inspiration!

Too Much Too Young

a journey through mental health, wellness and self-love.

My journey to a butterfly

How I escaped the cocoon without completely losing my mind

Elves Choice

Holiday Bargains & Recipes

A Walk With Nature

A journey to health, happiness and harmony

Chaos and Charisma: Life is confusing af.

Certain uncertainty: The inner workings of a mind plagued by life.

%d bloggers like this: