June 7, 2018 by Courtney
I almost always have so much on my mind that I want to write about. A lot of times it’s jumbled because it doesn’t all fit together well. So, I’m going to attempt to write out what’s on my mind and heart, but some of it may seem random. Just letting you know in advance :-).
One of the big things that I want to talk about is something I’ve mentioned before here… the book Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. I just finished it last night and it is one of the most amazing books I have read. It came at the perfect time. I had no idea. I didn’t even know who she was until someone shared about her book and I took a chance and ordered it. I usually have a hard time sitting and reading a book, but her words spoke to me so much that I looked forward to reading it. I read it while the kids read, and I read it often at night, in bed.
Early in the book she talked about her brother’s death (I can’t remember if she mentioned how she died or not). Then one of the later chapters, the whole thing was about her brother’s death and all of the trauma that it caused. I could relate about 95%. She found her brother, who had committed suicide, and I did not find my brother. Thankfully. But. I was the first person my mom called. My brother used a rifle and literally blew the top of his head off. My mom was home when it happened. She called me screaming that my brother blew his brains out. I will always remember that. It’s not her fault. I would have done the same thing. That’s not something someone would normally have to know how to handle.
It still feels like it was just a movie that I watched. My parents didn’t want to leave, so Robert and I worked on his funeral arrangements at the table, close to the room where it happened. They hung a sheet and we heard ServPro scraping the texture off of the walls and ceiling, removing carpet, cleaning with strong chemicals, etc. I saw his brains on the window every time I walked by that room outside. I remember all of the details that my mom has shared with me. I remember when the funeral director told us that we couldn’t see him because the top of his head was missing (my mom basically demanded that she see him so they covered the top of his head and she saw him… my dad and I couldn’t and didn’t want to remember him that way). I remember when the police chief said this was one of the hardest things he had seen. None of these memories leave me.
Yet, I am reminded by Rachel that I WILL get past this! I don’t have to live in it the rest of my life. I still haven’t addressed it much in counseling (I have been dealing with more “front burner” items as my counselor called it… like handling the anxiety and depression that I was going through). I am getting closer to being ready to do some counseling about it, but I will have to wait till the fall because I have my kids home now. That’s fine. This paragraph spoke to me so much:
I have never thought I deserve to thrive. But I’m beginning to believe it. And Joey would want me to. He loved me and we were so close till the end when he wouldn’t be close to anyone (which, unfortunately, is what I remember most).
All of the excessive drinking, anxiety, depression, etc that I have gone through and dealt with are linked strongly to this and I didn’t realize that until recently. I mean, I know that I have mental illness because I struggled before he died, but I know the trauma made it so much worse and I have been battling for years. He died 8 1/2 years ago, and it feels like a few months ago sometimes. Time doesn’t take away the pain. But it does remind me that there is more to life than living in that pain.
I’m thinking about re-reading the book after I read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. We’ll see. I have so many books that I want to read! I am starting to love reading again!
I shared this and my friends ended up telling me what they admire. That was not why I posted this. I just thought it was an amazing way to think about life and other women. But knowing that my strength and vulnerability has affected others in a positive way makes a huge difference in my life and reminds me why it’s so important to share!
Part of why I share is because it helps me to have an outlet, and it also affects others in a positive way. God gives me what I need to be able to be open.
I hit 600 days a few days ago. It’s kind of surreal because it seems like yesterday that I was drinking my feelings away and coping with my anxiety and depression with alcohol. I also numbed my thoughts and feelings about Joey’s death with alcohol. I coped with my kids’ craziness with alcohol. I handled being around a lot of people with alcohol. Alcohol was my life for years. Now when I think about it, I remember how bad it made me feel and I am now thriving because I’m not drinking (and I’m on good mental health meds). I’m so thankful for sobriety and thankful for the strength that I have gained through it.
Some positive things that have been happening…
My kids are at camp this week. I mean, they are here on our campus so they aren’t far, but we don’t really see them. I have seen each kiddo once because I work retail. It is such an awesome thing that they have this opportunity to go to camp, an amazing camp, and for free (usually $800 per kid!). We love Camp Eagle so much. We are so blessed to live here.
These pics were at drop off.
Then, we bought them some things to give them a package while they were there.
Ethan was wearing the Tacocat shirt when I saw him, so I guess he likes it :-).
Sunday night we went to town so that Robert could pick something up for work. We ate some really amazing Mexican food and got ice cream.
Monday we had a date day in town. We drove to Fredericksburg to help a friend whose car broke down, then we have amazing German food on the main strip there. It was so so good.
Then we went to PAX coffee shop and enjoyed some good coffee and conversation.
We came back and grilled some green chile cheese burgers for dinner. They were soooo good.
And this week I have been working a lot. Between my business and retail here at camp (Camp store and Coffee shop).
I am loving playing with makeup and I feel like I’m slowly improving. I have a lot to learn still but I’m having fun!
The Kudos (customer special) this month is an Addiction Palette of your choice (there are 5), a lip stain of your choice, an eyeliner pencil, and a free makeup bag.
Here are some pics of me throughout the day with the lip stain (color is called skittish). The last second and last ones were after using shine cloths and cleanser to remove it. It took a lot to get it off!
And our presenter kit has changed!! It is a fantastic one. I wish could get it! This kit has $300 worth of products and it is only $99 with free shipping. Amazing deal, and amazing products. Here’s what comes in the kit:
Here’s the list:
God has taught me so much lately, and I am learning that I deserve happiness and I can choose it. And I do choose it. Some days it’s hard, but I wake up the next day and choose it again.
Know that you are loved by your creator!!