Doing Hard Work

Routine.  It’s so necessary for my mental health.  While I try really hard to implement it during the summer, it’s not built in so it’s hard.

I tend to stay up too late.  Sleep too late.  Sit around drinking coffee for a few hours.  Not shower and get ready till the afternoon.  Shoot, despite the fact that I sell makeup, lately I haven’t been wearing it as often.

My business has been suffering but I’m working towards correcting that.  I spent a ton of time Tuesday working on my business and on getting the house in order.  Yesterday I continued this trend.

Today has been a bit lazier, but I’m trying!  I’m. Just. So. Tired.  Part of the issue is staying up too late.  Part of the issue is STILL having a lack of movement (but I have no energy to get out and move and it’s HOT).  And part of the issue is my thyroid.  I’m getting the full thyroid workup tomorrow so hopefully I will have more answers.  She liked that my TSH had come down some but it’s not where she wants it.  I asked if we could do more lab work to see if there’s more going on, so we’re doing that and the rest of the yearly blood-work.  I guess if that’s not it, I need to talk to my psychiatrist when I see her in July.  I know for sure that one of my meds can cause fatigue and drowsiness.  Maybe that’s the issue.

I really need to work on giving myself grace.  I feel guilty that I haven’t been able to be successful at the movement habit that I’ve been trying to do.  When I have to go down to camp, I walk.  So when I work and/or when we go to the dining hall, I try to always walk.  This equals about a 1/2 mile there and back.  Not much at all compared to the daily 3 miles that I used to do.  When I don’t work or go to the dining hall, I end up getting very little movement in.  Just the cleaning that I do around the house.  Often I don’t even go outside but to get something from the garage fridge (the garage isn’t connected to the house).

Part of me keeps going back to the dieting mindset of wanting to change all the things and maybe I will feel better.  But that’s not sustainable, and I am quickly reminded of that.

I don’t know what the answer is.  I know that there are things that I can change, but they are super hard.

Like the soda addiction… I still find myself using it as a replacement for the alcohol that I used to drink all day.  I’m not sure when I’ll be ready for it, and I’m not even sure how to address it.  I think I need to talk to my counselor this fall (when I can go back).  Just like with alcohol, I have tried so so many times to quit drinking soda.  I’ve tried all the different tactics like replacing it with something else like sparkling water or iced tea.  I like those things, but it’s not the same.  And obviously soda isn’t the same as alcohol in the way that alcohol can ruin your life, and the doc at rehab told me it’s way better than alcohol when I told him I was addicted to soda.  In rehab they told us that you will replace your drug of choice with other things because that’s what addicts do.

Also, I want to eat/drink mostly naturally (like no artificial sweeteners, less processed food, etc), but I just don’t think I’m in a place to do that yet.  And honestly, I’m just not sure how important that is.  I’m still learning and growing and figuring things out (yes, at almost 36 years of age).  I’m not sure if that would help me feel better or not.  I’m sure less processed food would help because I would be getting more nutrients, but that will come in as I’m working the Balance 365 program and work through the food portion.  I’m not there yet.

This work is hard.  Working through diet deprogramming (Balance 365), working on changing my habits one at a time, working through my alcoholism and addiction, working through my mental illness and trying to be mentally healthy, focusing on having a positive attitude and mindset despite all of the things that I’m working through… maybe that’s why I’m tired!

I’ll just keep trucking.  Some days will be fantastic and some days will be exhausting.  I’ll just do the best that I can!

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