July 8, 2018 by Courtney
Yesterday was a low day for me. I felt very discouraged about my business. I was also feeling bad that I had decided not to work retail here at camp anymore. The lack of routine has been hard on me. The boys have been difficult.
I had a lot of encouragement from my Younique sponsor. She is straight up amazing and knows all the things to say.
Direct sales can be super hard. It takes a lot of work and a lot of patience. I was thinking about not going to convention and not doing this business anymore… thinking that maybe it’s ME and that I’m not cut out for it. Like I was a failure (sales have been super slow and other people get all kinds of sales). I was focusing on what other people do, thinking I should be there too. But what I didn’t see is how these ladies started out. I am building a business from the ground up. Thankfully I don’t have any overhead costs, but businesses take time to build. And instead of focusing on what I’m NOT doing, I need to focus on what I’m doing well and just HAVE FUN.
My sponsor reminded me that the reason people aren’t successful at this business is that they quit when things are slow. They don’t keep being consistent and keep trying. Fighting through it and fighting for what we want.
I need to stop focusing on the sales and just focus on my why. I got into this business to get out of my comfort zone, gain confidence, do something for me, do something that gives me purpose for my days and that I enjoy. A reason to stop pitying myself (for being “disabled” because of my mental illness) and remember what I’m capable of. I also wanted to be able to pay for my makeup with what I make (to start), and I’ve done that. So instead of focusing on what I haven’t done, I want to focus on the fact that my “why” has already been fulfilled completely. And it continues to be fulfilled every time I get in front of the camera. Every time I talk with ladies that are excited about the makeup. Every time someone tries to get out of their comfort zone as well. I also have been successful at not pitying myself all the time and focusing on what I am capable of and not what I can’t do. I take better care of myself. I am learning to love myself with and without makeup as well.
I also remembered why I stopped doing retail and the main reasons are that we aren’t going to be here much the rest of the month! This coming week the kids and I are going to my parents’. Then we will be getting ready for our Colorado trip. Then we’ll be gone for 10 days. Busy busy!
Then, I will be so excited to go to Convention in August. It’s something that I will always remember and that I will learn so much from. I will get to meet my team in person! I cannot wait for that. I will get to dress up. I will get to just be me and not “mommy and wife me,” but ME. By myself. Focusing on what I enjoy.
Then when I get back, we will start getting back into some routine as we prepare for school! I’m kind of ready for that!! Shoot, I’m super ready for that!
Summer wears me down. It’s hard being with the kids all the time and trying to keep them entertained but in some sort of routine (because Ethan needs that). I suck at routine without being forced into it like through school schedules, etc. Which is part of the reason why homeschooling didn’t work for us (one of so many reasons). Working retail has been hard with kids because they don’t do well being alone without me (mostly the boys). They do things that they shouldn’t do because they don’t have supervision. In fact, the last time the boys were alone they locked themselves out of the house!
Luckily, though, this summer has been soooooo much better than the last several summers. I haven’t been hypomanic. I haven’t had severe anxiety so bad that I had hyperventilation syndrome (the past two summers and the summer of 2013). Last summer on top of HVS I also had a terrible cough for 3 months (found out it was reflux and the main culprit was diffusing essential oils!!). MISERABLE.
I’m not trying to homeschool anymore. I’m not trying to force things to happen that aren’t supposed to (like the 12 step meeting in Rocksprings). I’m just trying to go with the flow and get through while enjoying things here and there: Game playing with my kids (though these days the kids prefer to play with friends!), family movie nights, game playing and/or coffee with friends, community groups (5 summer staff ladies), dinners with friends, Women’s AA, vacations (Big Bend and Colorado), the outdoors (hiking and camping), and more! While we don’t have much money, we have an amazing life that I wouldn’t trade for the world!
I’ve been in and out of writing this blog post and cleaning and watching Levi ride his bike and cleaning some more. Laundry. Changing. Prepping for the week. Organizing my meds for the week.
Levi is finally trying to ride a mountain bike on our rough terrain (dirt, rocks, and hills), and he said something that was a learning moment for me: “The only limit is giving up.”
I have a history of giving up. Sometimes that’s because my mental illness causes limits in my life… like homeschooling and teaching (and working full time in general). But there are things that I feel passionate about enough that I need to give myself plenty of time. My business. Getting back to regular hiking. Becoming more outdoorsy again because I love it and it’s worth it. Fighting to be my best through meds, counseling, self care, etc. Eventually getting to a point in which I’m ready to pursue fat loss (being content in the meantime but fighting to get there) for my health. Fighting to continue my blog through the doubts because of very little engagement. Basically fighting for myself in general.
I have years and years of struggle, grief, disappointment, failure, and difficulty under my belt to know how to fight. The fight is worth it. I’m worth it. I deserve goodness in my life. We all do! Yes, we go through the hard stuff so that we have the good stuff. I believe that. Otherwise, what’s the point?
I’m thankful to say that I haven’t given up where it really matters: My marriage (I’ve not even considered giving up in this area), in parenting, in my relationship with Jesus, my mental health, in my sobriety, when it comes to fighting for myself, in my education (I finished college despite having had a baby), and I’m sure so much more. I have the capability to fight hard, I just needed the reminder.
I can do this. You can do this. We can do this. Keep fighting. Keep going. Don’t give up.