July 14, 2018 by Courtney
Growing up, I struggled with friendships. I had a few close friends, but I was also bullied a lot and was just an outsider in many areas. It got better in high school, but I always felt the need to prove myself worthy (still do, honestly).
Then in college, I felt “popular.” I had lots of people that I considered friends. Unfortunately, though, most were distant friends… not what I would consider best friends.
I have had few friends that I have called best friends over the years. And, for the most part, I considered people to be best friends and they didn’t reciprocate. I gave and gave, and they received or just stopped the friendship all together. Or distance made the friendship hard (which is common). I have several friends that I would consider very close friends that aren’t anywhere near where I live (different places in Texas, different states, and even a few in other countries like Canada and the UK).
I struggle because of my mental illness, my history, and my desire to please. I think I have probably come across as needy or awkward.
I struggle with small talk. I tend to want to dig deep immediately (which scares some people). When I’m in crisis, I don’t know how to give very well. And since I’ve been at camp, I’ve mostly been in crisis. A few friends here have stuck through it, but not many. And honestly, I don’t blame them. I have been hard to be friends with. But, if I’m being honest, it doesn’t change the fact that there is jealousy there of other friendships.
Since I’ve been feeling well for about 6 months now, I’m realizing how important it is to invest in the friendships that I do have. I want to be a better friend. And I hope, in return, that I’ll have closer friendships through that. We’ll just see what happens.
If you are a close friend, thank you for sticking with me through my constant crisis. You know the real me and love me for me. I’m grateful. It has made getting through it all that much easier. Now let me give to you. If I have given you to you a lot and you haven’t given back, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt because some people don’t have the time or energy to give back.
My goal for the fall in many areas of my life is simple: Intentional investment. In my relationship with Jesus, my family relationships, friend relationships, my business, and in myself (including my sobriety and health) and the things that are important to me (blogging and outdoors).
Vulnerability is hard, but I know it is helpful to myself and others. I am so thankful for those that are in my life who have been by my side!
I would love to know your thoughts about this! Please share!