August 1, 2018 by Courtney
These past few days have been rough. Really hard. I have had severe anxiety and felt myself getting depressed yesterday.
I decided to put a stop to it and today I’m so much better.
Let me back up…
Monday I woke up early and got ready, super excited about my interview. I have spent the past week working on building my confidence and just getting more and more enthusiastic.
I was dressed super nice, I fixed my hair, and I put on a full face of makeup. I had my list of questions. I was ready to tackle this interview.
I drove the 40 minutes to get there.
I went into the office and told them I had an interview.
Guess what they told me: The principal wasn’t there… he was out of town at a training. And not only that, but he knew ahead of time that he had this training and told the office staff that he wouldn’t be in Monday-Wednesday.
It felt like I got punched in the gut.
I was so so confused and angry. I was frustrated and didn’t know what to do.
I came home and decided to go ahead and take the kids into town to go to Chick-Fil-A and buy groceries (I was going to do that another day). I was so so anxious and a lot angry. I was annoyed and frustrated by my kids and let them get away with too much because I just couldn’t deal. I mean, we all have those moments as parents, right?
Yesterday I received a phone call from the superintendent that confused and frustrated me even more. He told me that he was under the impression that I didn’t have an interview set up yet. He was told that I was out of town and would set up an interview when I got back. When I told him that I had emails that said otherwise, he asked me to forward them to him (he said it like 4 times). So I did that. He also said that a kindergarten teacher had already been hired. What?! Why didn’t the principal tell me?? Why didn’t he give me a chance to interview first?? All of these questions came into my mind and I felt less than as a person because of this. He told me that they might need to hire another kindergarten teacher because of the kinder numbers.
He was super nice and apologetic and confused with me. But at this point, there wasn’t much that could be done.
I got off the phone even more confused than before and even more anxious. My anxiety began to lead to depression through the day. I couldn’t get off the couch or out of my bed.
Then all of a sudden it hit me: This isn’t worth it. If I am this anxious and depressed the past few days, how will I be if I started working? Especially for this principal?
I talked with a good friend of mine who is an amazing principal and she gave me wording for emailing this principal to either tell him I am not interested anymore or to tell him that I would still like an interview. She told me to be blunt but in a loving way. I decided to tell him I’m moving on. I also forwarded the email to him that showed the time that we set up to meet.
Immediately I felt like a weight lifted. I had excitement for my life just as it is. My passion for self care, AA, mental health, blogging, and Younique all returned. The reminder that I can go hiking during the day as it gets cooler was refreshing. The fact that I’m not going to be working all day every day was what I needed to remember.
Today I am thankful. God knows what He is doing. I’m not sure why He allowed me to even pursue this if it wasn’t going to work out, but maybe it was to remind me how good my life is (though I remember that every single day as it is). But it was also a reminder that I can only handle so much and my first priority needs to be self care, sobriety, and mental health.
My focus for this coming school year (most things are just a continuation of what I’m already doing):
- Mental health: self care (list to follow), counseling, meds
- Family health: Family time each night (“Read, sing, and pray”), being outdoors together, playing games, movie nights
- Younique: continuing to learn and grow, receiving promotions, growing closer to my team, personal development
- Physical health: hiking/yoga, growing in my habit changes (nutrition, etc)
- Sobriety: AA on Mondays, meeting with sponsor
- Spiritual health: Growing in my prayer life, Bible study, and fellowship with others (maybe church?)
- Household: Organizing/getting rid of things (again and again), continuing to decorate in a way that brings joy (I have a table runner and center piece on the way for fall)
- Social: Have people over for coffee, help friends with little ones, game nights, dinner with friends, Bible study, etc.
- Natural living: continue using real plates/cloth napkins, natural cleaners and detergents (sometimes homemade), natural products as we can afford it, recycle, cooking and making things from scratch… but having some exceptions
- Hot bath with essential oils and epsom salt
- Early to bed
- Meds (must)
- Time away from kids
- Talking with encouraging/positive friends and family
- Cuddling with my kids
- Playing games with my hubby and/or kids
- Nourishing foods
- Food prep
- Sitting on my back porch watching the sunrise
- My nighttime skincare routine
- Fixing my hair
- Getting dressed for the day
- Keeping a clean house
I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting!
Today I’m feeling at peace and hopeful. I’m thanking God for clarity!