October 17, 2018 by Courtney
Gosh. Who knew? Who knew that I was doing something that affected my mental energy? Who knew that I was doing something for 8 months that I didn’t actually like? It was always hanging over my head, and I never felt like I was doing enough or doing it the right way. Who knew that by doing all of this it was affecting my mental health and my time spent with my family and friends? It also affected my relationships because I was pushy and sales-y because I didn’t know what I was doing, and I felt compelled to keep trying hard despite knowing it wasn’t for me.
I had no idea that I was feeling compelled to wear makeup because I sold it and felt like I had to, even when I didn’t want to! Also, my husband hasn’t been thrilled with this all along and I did it anyway saying, “he should be supportive of me doing something for ME.” The one thing he asked of me is to not fill in my brows anymore. He likes my blond eye brows.
I felt like I was being fake so much of the time to get a sale. I cannot stand fake. I need vulnerability and realness.
Also. Something that’s important for me to mention is that I was doing this sales job always hoping for more sales and hardly making any sales! So then I always felt like I wasn’t doing enough because of that. I spent so much money each month to buy the things to do live videos to sell the products that I wasn’t actually selling.
Whew is all I can say. Making the decision to let go has freed up so much mental energy and space that I didn’t know was being taken up.
I always pushed and pushed thinking that maybe “one day I’ll move up and be black status.” But why did I even think that when I didn’t enjoy what I was doing?? I mostly just thought that’s what was expected of me (not by my sponsor or any one person).
Okay. I also want to mention. This is all ME. I love so many people that sell Younique and it’s not about the company!! It’s an amazing company that has done so many amazing things for many, many women!
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out, I want to share some things that I learned.
- I got out of my comfort zone and tried something new.
- I made a huge effort and stuck with it for a while which I don’t usually do.
- I gained confidence.
- I realized that it’s okay to take up space.
- I gained some amazing friendships.
- I have a lot of fun makeup that will last me a long time!
- I noticed some friends who were super supportive despite maybe not usually buying from someone who sells makeup.
- I learned that sales aren’t for me and I’m going to finally turn in my app to sub a day or two a week. I want to be part of the community and be back in the classroom in a small way.
- I remembered that my mental health must come first.
- I feel a ton of relief which I didn’t know I needed! It feels good!
I woke up at 4:00am, and I’m sitting here with so much more energy and desire to be awake and busy with things that I love! Blogging, planning, organizing, making my office what I want it to be. I am drinking coffee, I have my candles lit and classical Christmas music playing (NO, it’s NOT too early! haha).
Yesterday I emptied my basket of makeup samples and decided to use it for my household notebook, budgeting spiral, cash envelopes, and Balance 365 workbook. It sits nicely on the shelf right next to me; it’s under my printer and above some classic novels that I have held onto for my kids! My makeup has been moved over for things that I feel are more important. Don’t get me wrong, I love my makeup! But it has taken a higher place in my life than it needed to be!
Next up will be re-doing my vision board. Let go of goal oriented stuff and focus on more things about being enough right where I am (and pursuing Christ-likeness).
Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my office?? I cannot imagine ever having to transform this room into anything else. This has been the most purposeful space this room has ever had. It has been many things. Levi’s room, an office that wasn’t organized and useful, a craft room, a school room that didn’t get used, and now my organized, beautiful office. Much of the decor was bought at Dollar Tree! Or Walmart on sale. Or Family Dollar. Or I got it from friends or I already had it. Transforming this room was inexpensive and so worth it.
Check out my Home Management page to see how I organize everything (household notebook, meal planning, daily to-dos, etc).
Have a great day!