November 6, 2018 by Courtney
This morning I woke up and had bad brain fog.
Yesterday was full of anxiety, and I ended the night feeling on the verge of a panic attack. It was so hard.
I have been dealing with some hard stuff and over the weekend I had so much time to deal and process. I spent time in nature. Did yoga. Prayed a lot.
Yesterday was so so busy. All of the hard landed on me and I couldn’t lift it off through being in nature, doing yoga, or even really finding time to pray. So I just talked people’s ears off (which doesn’t really help) and talked about why I was right and others were wrong (which doesn’t really help). I didn’t feel like I worked through anything when I went to bed. I fell asleep pretty easily (because anxiety is exhausting), but when I woke up this morning I could barely stay awake.
One of the big things going on I can’t really talk about. I mean I could, but I don’t feel like it’s something appropriate to share on social media, so I will keep it to myself and just do lots of praying. But this is super big in my heart and really hard.
The other thing, I wasn’t planning on talking about on social media, but I don’t feel strongly that I shouldn’t so I am.
It’s really a long story, but I’m going to try and keep it brief.
We have been struggling badly with Ethan’s teachers all year (well, 2 out of 3). They were unprofessional, said things around the kids and parents that shouldn’t be said, and the kids were watching a lot of movies and doing things that weren’t learning opportunities on top of lots of busy work. They weren’t even doing much reading at school at all (which Ethan desperately needs). We (camp people and many others) have made it clear that this needed to be addressed. I’m not sure what has been done with these teachers as the year has progressed to help them improve, but those two teachers have now been reassigned. The second grade teacher is filling in for math (which is great because she’s fantastic and our kids know her well), but I’m just not sure what’s going to happen to our kids’ English/language arts/social studies teacher. Also I’ve been fighting for a long time to get Ethan tested for dyslexia and decide if he needs to have a 504 plan in place and I’m not sure now if/when they will happen. I just feel like our kids deserve better and I don’t know why this keeps happening. I feel like the principal should have done a better job of hiring (these two teachers weren’t even certified). In addition, the principal is really difficult and I’m not sure what will happen there. He says and does things that aren’t professional as well and he is all over the place (and forgets/ignores important things along with never responding to parents). The superintendent often has to correct him, which doesn’t say much about him as a principal.
I have been thinking about applying to teach since those are my subjects, but I keep going back to the fact that I don’t think I can handle it. Then I was thinking about homeschooling Ethan or maybe having him do online school. And I keep going back to the fact that I don’t think I can handle it.
So all of this is basically me having control issues. Trying to take control of a situation that isn’t mine to control and not trusting God to work out the details. With my anxiety, though, it’s not as easy as just letting go. Because physically I have a reaction. And in the past I would drink or take a xanax to handle it, so I’m having to rely on my current coping skills, which I wasn’t really able to do yesterday (I was in town all day, then had to get ready for Bible study and cook and make dinner, then we had Bible study).
So all of this to say… even though I have been doing so well this year, hard stuff can trigger my anxiety and make me go right back to feeling terrible. I had zero control over my physical reaction yesterday. It’s a terrible place to be.
Today I have felt hungover. I’m headed to my best friend’s house in a little while, but I had to sleep this morning so that I could feel safe driving 4 1/2 hours. Also I’m writing this as a way to process then I’m going to eat and shower/get ready. I’ve already packed, so that’s good.
I could use some prayer as I deal with things.