Leaning In

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November 28, 2018 by Courtney

It’s the end of a rough day and I thought I’d share some of my thoughts.

I have noticed my mental health declining the past few days and I realized a few things.

  1. It’s the time of year that I struggle more
  2. I think I was slightly hypomanic last week into the weekend (I literally couldn’t sit for more than a little bit)
  3. The anniversary of Joey’s death is Friday
  4. Robert has been out of town a lot and he’s gone this week (and the boys were home today because of some things)

It began to all make sense.

So, what are my symptoms?

At the moment I’m sleeping all the time (13-15 hours a day), I have a messy house (for me that’s a big sign), and I’m losing joy in the things I usually find joy in.  I feel kind of numb yet worried about things at the same time.

Obviously I’m not doing terribly or I might not even be writing this, but I feel it coming on.  The hardest thing is the fact that I can’t stay out of bed.  I’m just so sleepy and tired that I can’t help it.  Also, people often think that I just need to force myself up and moving and it’s not that easy.  When I’m depressed I physically need the sleep.  It’s not about feeling hopeless at this point, I just can’t stay awake.

How can you help?  Pray.  Encourage.  Don’t push.  Just love well :-).

I’m hoping that maybe it’s just a few days and I’ll start feeling better.  But I just know in the past that’s not how things worked.

I’m thankful that I’ve learned about myself enough over the years that I realized with-in two days what was happening.  Unfortunately I am going to just have to “lean in” to it and give myself grace.  I’m on lots of good meds that work super well the majority of the time, and I might just have to deal with it.  I’ll see her in about a month and I’ll talk to her then.

God is good.  I’m not defined by this.  It’s an illness that sucks, but with the right tools, I will manage.  I have friends praying for me and asking how they can help.  I have lots of encouragement coming in.  In the meantime, I will just rest.

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