December 4, 2018 by Courtney
Goodness. My journey has been a long one. A really hard one. An amazing one. One full of love from my creator and my family. God has made it clear to me that He has a plan for my life to help others and glorify Him. At this point, I’m super unsure of what that will be.
He has given me a passion for being vulnerable and sharing all that I have been through with others so they can see how He has redeemed me even in the midst of heartache, fear, grief, mental sickness, and addiction. Through my vulnerability, I have had many people come to me to share how it has helped them so much while they are in the middle of struggle.
Is that enough? Am I living out God’s plan for me by just spending most days taking care of myself and sharing my heart? I often wonder. I feel like my life is focused on Me. Myself. And I.
But maybe that’s what has to happen in order for me to pour into others?
I know that by taking good care of myself I am able to be a better wife, mom, daughter, friend, etc.
I do, though, truly hope that there’s more to life than self care. Is taking care of the house, laundry, and dinner enough? I feel like it’s not since my kids are away from the house for 10 hours. I end up sleeping a lot.
Maybe self care + sharing my life with others + taking care of the house/meal planning/meal prep/cooking/etc + being present with my family when they are home = God’s plan for me in this moment. Maybe this is enough purpose for now.
I do know this much: I don’t think I will ever work full time again. At least not for a long time. I cannot handle a “normal” job that requires a lot from me, certain hours every day. I can’t handle the pressures of a normal boss situation. I cannot handle having to hide who I am in order to please others (often I have had to be quiet about my mental illness and addiction). Luckily we have enough money for needs and even some wants. We don’t have a lot of savings but we make it from one check to the next. Our income tax refund pays for large things. We are getting Karis braces in February/March. God always provides. Always. I’m not the greatest at managing, but I’m working on it.
Anyway… I mentioned my new friend in a blog post last week: On the Verge of Something. This morning I told her that I want to be part of whatever it is that she plans to do at her gym for people who struggle with mental illness. I’m not sure what that will mean for me, if anything. But I am open and willing to do whatever it is that God will have me do.
In the meantime, I will love my family how God wants me to love them including sharing the gospel with them, share God’s love with others, be hospitable, take care of myself, take care of my home, and anything that comes up each day.
We started back to our Advent study last night. We read in the Jesus Storybook Bible as we lead up to His birth. The beautiful thing about this version is that Jesus is woven through the whole thing.
I will continue blogging even if I just reach one person because it’s worth it. Also blogging is a release for me and has always been helpful for me. It’s true self care.
I will rest when I need to.
Read when I want to.
This particular book is teaching me so much about things that I never struggled with. Cutting. Homelessness. Drugs. It’s heartbreaking and reminds me what it’s like to not have hope in Jesus. It makes me want to share Jesus with those who are in deep despair.
So the answer to now what? is to keep doing what I’m doing until God tells me to do something different or more. Ultimately God has a plan for each day. I trust Him with that.