December 29, 2018 by Courtney
Last night was kind of my breaking point of the season.
I struggle a lot this time of year. It’s a combination of lack of routine, the holiday let down, the dreariness, the fact that I’m an introvert and am around a lot of people most of my days, and I think my bipolar 2 is part of the equation. It exhausts me.
Last night at midnight I was taking a hot bath to warm up and I unloaded in my Beyond Balance 365 group (they are a safe zone and are amazing, encouraging ladies).
I don’t want to share everything that I said because it’s personal, but this is the gist of what I said. I copied/pasted pieces.
“I have been fighting some depression. It’s always bad this time of year between the fact that I’m an introvert and I’m around a ton of people and the let down of the holidays. Also people say to take Vitamin D3 but mine has never shown to be low. I’m getting blood work done soon. I really think this is part of my bipolar 2 cycle.
I have also not been feeling great… a hurting back and a cough.
My hubby and I are working through some things, and we are going to counseling on the 14th.
We are out of money because of Christmas. I think we over-did it with gifts for our kids this year.
I feel like I don’t have any friends. I was really getting out of my shell and comfort zone there for a while (having people over all the time) and was talking with a good friend all the time for a while so I felt like I was making connections. Right now I’m not really connecting with any of my friends and am self loathing a lot…
I’m jealous of people who have best friends. Especially best friends that they get to hang out with.
Here at the camp where we live I have some good friends but no one close enough to spend a lot of time with. I’ll do yoga with one neighbor and play games with another. I may go over to another friend’s house to chat, and I host bible study at my house.
What is wrong with ME?
Also, I wanted to drink today. It has been a while since I felt that way. With the holidays and craziness, it has been a while since I went to an AA meeting. I might go tomorrow. Definitely Monday if not tomorrow.
Anyway. I’m not sure what I’m needing. I just want to feel loved and wanted.”
I didn’t get to sleep till about 2am. When I finally fell asleep I slept great, thank goodness. But then I ended up sleeping another two hours this morning till about 10:30.
I’m also still feeling like I don’t know what to do with myself when school starts again. I’m excited about the possibilities of the new year. I’m planning to be super intentional about things. Weekly date nights. Continue our family movie/game nights. Going camping often. Hiking more. Yoga. Being involved in the PTO. Leading some AA meetings. And working on my Childbirth Education training.
Also, my friend is opening a gym in Rocksprings and will be doing some amazing things there in addition to the exercise component. She’s hosting a dreams and vision potluck on January 9th. She has more vision than anyone I know.
But even with the excitement of the CBE training, I’m feeling a disconnect there. I wrote this in my CBI group:
“This may be a silly question, but I thought I’d ask anyway. I have decided to pick the class back up after taking a very long break (I thought I was done with it but decided that it was time to try again). My youngest kid is almost 9 and my oldest is almost 13 (middle is 10). Does anyone have a harder time feeling connection to the material after becoming far removed from having babies?”
A few ladies shared their experiences of starting the training when their kids were older. One woman is a grandma. I’m allowed to be passionate about birth even if my babies on older.
I think I need to make some plans to be able to focus on that course.
Anyway… my best friend wrote me a much needed text this morning telling me how much she loves and appreciates me and needs me. It was just what I needed. God knew that.
I realized this morning that anxiety was screaming lies at me. I can’t focus on anything else when I’m hearing that.
Despite the fact that I’m 36, I am still figuring out who it is that I am and what God created me for. Figuring out my purpose and why I’m here. Sometimes I hear the lies that I’m not needed and people would be fine without me. That’s anxiety lying to me.
God’s grace is sufficient, and He loves me more than any person can. We are all human and fail each other all of the time. We can’t be perfect and that will continue till the day we die. In the meantime, we can be intentional in our relationships, tell each other that we love and appreciate each other, and do what God has called us to in that moment. We can give grace when people fail us, give ourselves grace, and realize that all we can do is put one foot in front of another.
I want to share God’s love and grace to those around me and I often fail. I’m thankful for God’s grace and that He fills in the gaps.
I’m so thankful for His love. It’s complete.