I say this a lot, and I will continue saying it. Life is so good. I’m still very mentally healthy. I find joy in the little things and I love each day pretty well. I strive to be intentional.
I realized something this morning, though.
The past few weeks have been kind of tough. I had a family issue, then I had a friend issue that is still lingering on my heart. I have been praying so much because people are hurting and broken and I think I’m an empath so it affects me greatly. I’m doing my best to love well, but sometimes that’s hard. I just keep asking for Jesus to love through me because I can’t do it on my own.
In the midst of that I’ve realized that I’m leaning on some unhealthy coping mechanisms instead of focusing on healthy ones. Don’t worry, I’m still sober. 826 days to be exact. I will say, though, that I desperately need to get back to AA!! It has been a while! I have gotten less and less consistent.
The unhealthy coping mechanism that I’ve been leaning on is shopping. I’m buying little things here and there that are adding up quickly. Some candles, a tapestry, a phone case, 4 essential oils (which aren’t cheap… one of them was to re-activate my account and it was $40 with tax and shipping by itself), a double pack of diffusers from Amazon (I got two for the price of one on a flash sale, but that’s beside the point), etc. I also ended up spending an additional $53 on more food on top of the $180 that I spent last week (some of it was because we have fed people this week). I just really couldn’t afford all of this. I still have a doc appointment and meds to buy, plus gas, and I’m running low on funds. I have been doing so much better in this area so I’m beating myself up for it. I used to do this alllll the time, and I hate that I’m reverting to old bad habits.
I’m also drinking a lot more soda which isn’t helping my reflux. I’m snacking a lot at night. Partly I’m hungry, partly it has just turned into a bad habit, and partly it’s because I’m trying to make myself feel better. Also Robert has friends here and they have been staying in a cabin in our back valley. It’s just all the things right now.
I wrote in my Balance 365 group about my struggles and they had some good advice.
Give myself grace. List the things that I’m doing well. Focus on the wins. And take a step back and do the best I can. For me that means just focusing on one habit and spend time on that for a while.
I’m a perfectionist and black and white thinker so these things are hard for me. Also, since I am home all the time and my kids are at school, I always think I need to have long to do lists and be super busy. That’s not the case. Robert doesn’t expect that of me. It’s all my own expectations. I don’t know how to let go sometimes.
Well, here are the things that I got…
Oils (1 from before this pay period and 4 in this pay period… I don’t have them yet).
- Stress Away
I’m gonna take a nap now. I have already cleaned up the house (emptied dishwasher, washed dishes, swept, vacuumed, start laundry, tidied, made beds, etc), had a healthy breakfast, and written this post, and it’s just about 9am.