January 19, 2019 by Courtney
I had my three month appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday. It’s always interesting to see her because somehow despite the fact that she sees a ton of patients and only sees me every three months, she remembers details about my life. She seems amazed by the fact that we love the outdoors and go camping a lot. I love that. She’s also so happy for me that I’m doing so well. My appointments are always super short because we chat for a bit about my life then she just refills all of my prescriptions as is and I go on my way.
This time was so great because I was able to acknowledge that despite the fact that I’ve had a rough few weeks situationally, I made it through and I am okay. I am able to still see the good in my life, feel gratitude, have hope, and move forward. I’m not stuck in depression and anxiety despite how hard things have been.
It has been a year since she added a low dose of a med that’s not normally for bipolar 2 and anxiety, and I haven’t been the same since. I literally noticed a difference with-in a day or two.
Since then I have been able to weather the storms of life and move forward despite the difficulty. I mean, life is hard, period. So being able to function in the storms is huge.
Also, clearly, the main one to give glory to is Jesus! He has allowed me to find the right doctor who has prescribed me the right meds. He also led me to ways to learn how to cope better and take good care of myself. He gives me all that I need, at all times.
I’m so thankful that God is helping me to learn who I am AND how to love myself the way He made me. He made me on purpose, for a purpose, and I trust Him with that.
God is reminding me through all that has been going on that through my brokenness I have learned to love well and that love is always the answer… even when I don’t understand.
But. Boundaries are important for my mental health so those are in place as well!
Just like with everything in life… it’s all about balance.
On another note…
One of the things that has been causing me stress lately is the focus on fat loss. I realized that by focusing on that again, I’m trying to do all the things which is resulting in me feeling somewhat panicked. This is how I feel when I’m dieting so I had to take a HUGE step back. I just think that focusing on fat loss isn’t for me anymore. Instead, I need to just focus on behaviors that make me feel my best. I also realized that I was less okay with who I am NOW and where I am now and that I just wanted to make changes and that’s all I was content with. That just doesn’t work with my life anymore. It’s all about acceptance, self care, mental health, balance, and love (Jesus, self, and others!). If I’m too focused on fat loss and change then I lose focus super quickly.
I am taking a step back and keeping my eye on my vision board because it reminds me what is important to me!
A warm, cozy home. Relationships (with Jesus, family, and friends). Balance. Love and happiness. The outdoors. Baking and cooking. Setting the table for my family and friends. Keeping my calendar pretty clear. And focusing on doing something that I’m passionate about: At this point it’s becoming a childbirth educator.
How do I get there?
Keeping a mostly clean home, but learning to allow for imperfection. I haven’t made my bed in several days, which is huge for me. The house isn’t currently spotless; it looks lived in. It’s cozy. I always have candles lit, and I love lamps. Christmas lights are hanging in my office. These bring a warmness that I find important.
I have learned to use essential oils to enhance things in my life that are important. I have been against them for a long time then one day I decided to make a blend for anxiety/sleep and I have gone to sleep by 10:30 almost every night since. This is huge. So I’m learning how much of a difference they make. I’m having to navigate slowly because some of them cause me to have a cough, especially when I use too much. But I’m figuring it out. It’s worth it to me. I don’t sell them, but I am technically a distributor so that I can get a discount and can order them for myself.
These things have helped me sleep. I think I will be able to reduce my melatonin usage which is huge. This blend has lavender, stress away, patchouli, and vetiver. When I get my valor, I will be adding that as well! I might also add some cedarwood. I’m picking that one up from my friend on Monday (along with 3 others). I topped it off with a carrier oil. This time was avocado oil. I didn’t have my liquid coconut oil yet at that time; I will use that in the future.
I have started focusing more on the course that I’m taking to become a childbirth educator because that’s super important to me. I’ve been studying more. I’m even thinking about becoming a doula! I’m super in love with birth work again these days.
I’m drinking lots of hot tea, reading things that are important, spending time in God’s word, singing lots to Jesus and listening to lots of good music, spending time with family and friends, doing yoga and hiking when I feel like it (instead of focusing on a set schedule), doing things that keep me sober, eating nutritious foods most of the time but with balance, taking lots of epsom salt and essential oils baths, using homemade/natural products, making most foods from scratch, being hospitable, resting as I need to, and living simply.
I’m trying to let go of perfection and loosen up a bit, but it will take time! I have been this way for years. I’m just trying really hard to focus in on the priorities and values that I have and that we have as a family.