January 23, 2019 by Courtney
I kind of feeling alllll over the place mentally/emotionally these days. One day I’ll be feeling at complete peace and have lots of joy. The next day I’ll be down and worn. That was yesterday.
On days like yesterday, I take everything personally, think nobody likes me, feel like I annoy everyone, and I’m tired of my mental health being so hard to fight for.
Yesterday, I worked hard on my morning routine: 1) Got kids ready and out the door, 2) Bible study, 3) 15 minutes of yoga (with meditation), 4) Breakfast (with 20g or more of protein), 5) Took morning meds. I did the dishes and tidied the living area. I made my bed. Showered. I did it all.
Unfortunately, I was so tired that I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I went back to bed at about 8/8:30 and didn’t get out of bed till 12:30, after Robert had already come home for lunch and left. I felt so frustrated with myself and still tired.
It’s so annoying to be tired all the time. I’m not sure if it’s because of depression, or meds, or thyroid, or what.
I was frustrated because I always have a long to do list, and I didn’t complete it yesterday. I keep meaning to focus on my studies but have a hard time focusing.
I also just have such high expectations for myself and have zero grace when I don’t meet those expectations. I keep trying to focus on too many positive habits and get rid of all the bad habits. All at once. Even though I know that doesn’t work! I know better! Yet my black and white perfectionist thinking doesn’t allow for this so much of the time.
I literally don’t know how to let go of things sometimes.
For example. Yesterday I read a post and listened to a podcast about MLM’s. It just reminded me about what I already know about them from experience and made me pretty worked up about whether or not to buy from them. I kind of find it to be an ethical issue for me at this point. I have sooooo many friends in direct sales and want to be supportive, but I know too much. Anyway, I was then really unsure if I should keep buying essential oils from Young Living or not. I mean, I buy from “myself,” but I’m still supporting a direct sales business that is super expensive. And they make it seem like they are the only good quality essential oils out there. Of course they do! That’s their goal. So I was obsessing about whether or not I should buy from them or find another quality essential oil to invest in that will be much less expensive. I ended up finding a company that I am excited about, but that’s not why I’m sharing this.
I’m sharing this because my obsessive mind gets fixated on something that’s not really a big deal and makes it a big deal! It’s all I could think about for hours until I talked with a friend who isn’t a huge fan of direct sales, but she still buys a few things from them. It made me feel less stressed about it because it’s not really a huge deal like I was making it in my mind.
Despite the fact that I keep trying to let go of things, I keep holding on. I over-think and obsess and struggle to let go. I think I fail at everything.
I think I’m going to take today to just rest. I need to rest my mind more than anything!
I’m going to spend time in prayer and ask for the ability to give myself grace and allow my mind to rest. I also want the ability to learn to let things go. Currently there are some dishes in my sink, and I want to get up and do them right away because of my perfectionism, but I’m trying to leave them. Is it sad that it’s super hard for me to do that? I also have laundry to do. I feel like I’m a bad mom and wife if I leave them because I’m home all day, alone, and should do all the things.
Okay, I’m gonna go rest.
I’d love to know how you overcame perfectionism if you did! Please share!