January 25, 2019 by Courtney
Sometimes I hate my brain. Well, often I hate my brain.
I have been doing super well (for about a year). These past few weeks/month I have been doing exceptionally well.
I have also been super perfectionist. More than normal. Spotless house, perfect routines, all natural everything, all homemade everything, consistent time with friends, etc.
For me, when this happens, I usually crash and have to shed lots of things that I have attempted to “put on.” In fact, I have been accepting things as my identity for myself that aren’t made to be an identity.
Anyone who has been following me long has seen me do this about twice a year.
I realized this was happening several nights ago, and I wrote this post: I No Longer Have a Label.
When I wrote that post, I was half asleep, and I didn’t quite process it in my heart.
I didn’t want to for a few reasons: 1) I want that label sometimes. I really don’t know why. I don’t know if it makes me feel like I “fit in” better or what. But I’ll just be honest and say that I want to be known as “crunchy.” 2) Sometimes I am embarrassed that I keep trying so hard to create a label for myself that isn’t meant to be. 3) I often feel like I don’t have enough to offer with-in myself. Just as I am.
But I know that’s a lie. God created me the way I am on purpose, for a purpose. He uses me for things more than I’ll ever know, but ultimately it isn’t about me. It’s about Him, His purpose, and my identity in Him.
I’m not sure why that doesn’t feel like enough.
I was thinking about this the other day. WHY do I use natural products? I mean, I was just trying to determine if I had a good reason (that I felt was important). I didn’t have an answer. I mean, I do like some essential oils, but I know they don’t work like some people say they do. I like them for sleep and peace of mind, but they are just an addition to other things. Part of my self care. Other things? Natural personal care products, detergents, etc? Not necessary. I don’t like super harsh things, but the expensive natural products are just not worth the money that I’ve been pouring into them.
This week has been real hard for me. I had to accept defeat when I couldn’t get up and clean my house, do laundry, or cook dinner. I just wanted to sleep most of the day. I had tears more than once, which isn’t common for me. I have felt like a failure in all the things. I’m ashamed of who I am in many ways because it just makes me spin into depression.
As I do many times a year, I am going to focus on shedding some layers. I need to get to where I feel like I can manage even when I’m struggling, not how I manage when I’m at my best and only at my best. I’m not even sure what that is at the moment. That post will come later. I don’t know how to live in the gray area… black or white. Perfect or a complete mess. So I need to figure that out. Hopefully I have some ideas soon.
Thanks for reading. Sometimes my posts are well thought out and “put together,” and sometimes you get this :-).