January 26, 2019 by Courtney
Gosh. This week has been long. And tough. And helpful. And growth-producing. And strengthening.
I wasn’t deeply depressed. I wasn’t hopeless or suicidal. I just struggled a bit. I just wanted to sleep all the time. Struggled with doing things that bring me joy. Kinda wanted to be alone and didn’t know what I needed to feel better.
Apparently a day in town made a huge difference for me. I was by myself but not alone. With people but not socializing. Busy but not overwhelmed. It was what I needed. I went to Starbucks and wrote a blog post. I was able to get things out of my brain that were kind of stuck. Sometimes blogging at home is hard because I overthink and can’t get the ideas out of my head. After I wrote that, I continued the thought process as I finished up my errands and drove home.
I’m still not doing fantastic. Socializing would be hard. My cousin and his girlfriend and baby are staying with my parents and my aunt was having a lunch for them but I just couldn’t handle it. I slept till 10:30. I don’t have much desire to clean or do laundry (though the laundry really needs to happen). But I feel hopeful that I can work my way out of this. I check my Facebook sometimes but I’m not posting or scrolling (I don’t have the app anymore). Mostly just checking notifications. I’m using messenger a bit. But I AM sharing things on Instagram. I feel like there’s less judgment there, and I have more say in what I see. I went through and unfollowed quite a few celebrities and other people that didn’t bring me joy.
Self care and trying to be mentally healthy takes a lots of work. I’m constantly trying to figure out the balance. I need to stay somewhat busy, but too busy overwhelms and I shut down. I need to have something positive to focus on, but too much expectation can cause depression and severe anxiety (which is why I can’t have a “regular” job). A clean house is really important to me, but perfectionism can cause shut down as well. When I get behind on laundry, I feel like a failure. When the house is messy, I feel lazy. When I’m eating balanced meals I feel great physically, but then the perfectionist side comes in and tells me that if I eat something “unhealthy,” I’m a failure and there’s no point. So then I go “the other direction” and eat all poptarts and cereal. I struggle with balance really badly. I’m working on it.
Like I wrote yesterday evening, I am at the point in my life like [can’t remember her name] character in Runaway Bride was when she decided she needed to determine who she was, what she liked and disliked, etc. I am tired of listening to all of the voices out there telling me who I am, and I want to decide who I am.
Today I’m going to start by writing out some things that I like and dislike. The things that come easily to me. The things that I KNOW about myself.
Some things that I’m obsessed with/love/like:
- My husband. Our relationship has grown so much closer lately, and I just love being with him. We are best friends. We have been through so much together.
- My kids. They are growing into such amazing kids. They have been through a lot and have their own mental health issues, but they also have amazing and fun personalities and the older they get, the closer we grow together. I just love them so much.
- My friends that are always there for me. I really do have some amazing friends!
- Floral patterns
- Candles (good smelling ones especially)
- Steffany Gretzinger, Bethel, A Star is Born soundtrack, The Greatest Showman soundtrack, Mumford and Son’s new album (Delta), Lauren Daigle’s new album (not a huge fan of her old album), Ed Sheeran, and some random 90s music
- Praising Jesus (it’s the best when I’m alone in the car)
- Coffee and hot tea (alllll the hot drinks, even when it’s hot outside)
- My diffuser with lavender (my FAVE), Stress Away, Ylang Ylang, Joy, Purification, and Peace and Calming oils. I also have some homemade blends that I love rolling on. They are amazing for aromatherapy purposes in my life.
- Yoga (but I have been struggling with doing it lately because I haven’t “kept up” with the challenge so my perfectionist mind asks “what’s the point?”) and I LOVE my yoga mat
- My office. It’s just so “me.”
- BLOGGING! It’s my all time favorite thing to do, hands down.
- Playing games with friends and family.
- Curtains. This is new! I got curtains in most rooms this time last year and I love them.
- The tree on my living room wall
- Tapestries. They’re so cheap on Amazon and bring so much fun to spaces in the house!
- Hosting people in my home (most of the time)
- Camping (but I’m learning that backpacking isn’t necessarily for me at this point in my life). I LOVE camping in the desert and mountains, though. It’s the best and benefits my mental health so much. I love creating memories with my hubby and kids this way.
- All the funky patterns. There are different patterns all over my office.
- Organization. I hate clutter.
- Having Bible study at my house.
- The desert
- Elephants and cacti
- My home and being home. I’m obsessed which is why I am always showing pictures and videos!
- Books. I’m picky, but I’m learning to love reading.
- Stickers (they are allllll over everything… my computer, all of my water bottles and cups, our car, etc)
- Lamp light, natural light, and Christmas lights
- Jeans and t-shirts.
- Chacos and Toms.
- Coke Zero and iced tea with sweet n low. I truly don’t care about the fact that they are “artificial sweeteners.” I have done lots of research on the science of them and it’s not as big of a deal as people make it to be. I have been known to hide my cup of sweet n low when people come over because of opinions. It’s so dumb.
- My Mac computer and iPhone. They bring about lots of possibilities for me.
- Spring and Fall (seasons changing brings new possibilities)
- Pumpkin all the things starting late summer!
- Decorating in November for Christmas and listening to Christmas music starting in September.
- I’m starting to like a few tv shows (Parks and Rec, The Office). I haven’t historically watched much tv. We tend to always have music playing in our house!
- Frugality with my grocery budget; meal planning; meal prep
- Being vulnerable. It’s all I know to be!
- Loving others right where they are
- Helping those who are struggling
Things that I’m trying to shed/process/work through:
- Identity in the “natural living” world. It brings anxiety because I find myself trying to do it all perfectly when I don’t even truly care about it like I want to. I prefer Tresemme shampoo and conditioner, Ivory body wash, Neutrogena facewash, Secret deodorant sometimes and sometimes Schmidts lavender because of the scent (depends on my mood), seasonal favorites of HEB brand dish soap, Purex laundry detergent, etc. I cannot afford all of the expensive natural things!! When I’m not trying to buy all the natural things, I tend to get what’s cheapest or at least close to cheapest. When I get natural products, I spend a FORTUNE on it.
- Identity as crunchy, granola, or hippie. I don’t need a label!
- I have never had success with using oils for more than aromatherapy. They have never worked for sickness, or pain, or any of those things.
- I’m shedding people’s opinions about natural this and artificial that. I just can’t care.
- I’m not a fan of polish on my finger or toenails. Mostly because it means I have to keep up with it.
- I like makeup once in a while, but I’m not a huge fan of it. I tried to love it when I was selling Younique, but it was all a show. I didn’t love it. Since I stopped selling, I probably only wear a little bit (concealer, powder, and mascara) once a week, if that.
- I’m backing away from the expectation to backpack or even hike at the moment because I’m just not feeling it, and that’s okay! I love hiking but lately the idea of it has just brought shame because I haven’t been doing it. The desire will come back. I have been holding on to these things because Robert and I have a history of backpacking together, but I don’t think I ever loved it. I love camping, but not backpacking. Maybe I will one day!
- People’s opinions about things that have been so big in my life: suicide, mental illness, and addiction. I have been disowned and not allowed to participate in some things because of it. Some people think that addiction is a choice, which is dumb because science proves that it’s not. Some people think that sugar addiction is a thing, and I remind them about what addiction to drugs or alcohol looks like. I just can’t care. These are things that will always be part of my life.
Things I’m still trying to figure out:
- Not being sure about something that some people are so sure of: homosexuality. I have many, many friends that are gay and a few friends are currently battling whether or not it’s something they should live in as Christians. It’s my job to love, not to tell them my opinion (I have an opinion, but it’s still developing at the moment…). They will figure it out, and it’s between them and God.
- Trying to decide if the desire to be a childbirth educator is truly a passion of mine or if I’m just doing it because I have nothing else to do and I’ve already paid for it. I do know that I started off just doing it because I had the course and already paid for it, but the more I read and learn, the more I get excited. The hard part for me is that it’s a natural childbirth ed course and I never want women to feel like they have to do that just because I did! So I’m working on that. I’m thinking about becoming a doula because I think I want to do that more than be a CBE. We’ll see! I would do both in the end. I’ve been stuck on the physiology portion.
- What my purpose in life is besides taking care of my house. That cannot be my only goal in life. I need more.
Well… this all ended up coming easier to me than I thought. Sorry it’s so long, I just felt it was important to write it alllll out since it’s in my brain. Thanks for reading if you read this far!
I’ll keep processing through things and write more in the future about it!