One of the biggest causes for my anxiety is money. I mean, not that our needs won’t be met because they ALWAYS are, but because I’m a major spender. Like major major. Pretty much any time there’s money in my account, I spend it.
The worst is my online shopping. We got our income tax refund a few weeks ago and I have literally had multiple packages every single day since then. I got curriculum (which we needed, but I got more than I should have), Chacos, lots of books, essential oils, a large Grove order, lots and lots of food, yoga mats for the kids, a new lunch box for picnics, a recycling bin, art supplies, a few random things, some cookbooks, supplements, Karis’s birthday present and birthday party decor, a teapot, printer ink and toner, a DVD, candles, office supplies, and probably more that I’m not remembering. Guys. That’s a LOT of stuff. A few things are super helpful to have but a lot of it I could have lived without.
But it’s just so easy. Put it in the cart. Click place order. Done.
Then sit back and wait excitedly for another package to come in the mail.
I keep getting rid of stuff only to be filling my house up again and the cycle continues.
In the meantime, I’m having lots of anxiety despite the fact that I LOVE my life because I feel like I will never be able to stop spending like I do. It keeps me up at night, fills me with guilt, and makes me feel like a terrible person and that there’s something wrong with me. I’m sure a lot of it is part of my addictive brain, but I can’t just sit in that.
I wrote about it on Facebook and a friend suggested that I dig down to try to find the “why.” I’m still working on it but the biggest thing for me is the excitement of receiving something new. I’m not sure how to address that yet, but my friend and I are going to start exchanging handwritten letters and her sons and my boys will be pen pals also! I thought that was fun. I also think that I try to find my identity in things (if that makes any sense) instead of in Christ and who He has created me to be.
In the meantime, I have decided that it’s time for me to close my checking account. I have canceled some subscriptions, changed some accounts to Robert’s card, and we’re about to pay off a loan. Starting next Friday, when Robert gets paid, he will write me a check that I will cash in town. I will use only cash from now on. If I need something online, I will have Robert buy it, but it will be super planned so he will just give me less cash that time around.
A downfall is that I won’t be able to use curbside anymore for groceries because you have to pay online, but it’s worth it I think. I will just have to make sure that I’m not overspending while I’m in the store, but I have some ideas for that.
I will only be able to spend money when I’m in Kerrville once every two weeks or so or in Rocksprings 1-2 times per week. And I just don’t spend in person like I do online so that’s positive. I really feel like I will be able to save up for things now.
Our financial future doesn’t seem so scary.